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Looking for a few people to read over my WOFT essay.


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Would love it if a few people could glance over my WOFT essay. Respond and I'll PM you. In return, I'll be happy to look over yours when the time comes, if that applies to you.

 

This hasn't seen any other set of eyes, and I'm frankly having trouble understanding whether this needs to be more like a cover letter, selling myself, or more literal "why I want to be an Army Aviator". Right now, it's geared toward the latter.

 

EDIT: I'm going to post my draft here so that I can get more feedback. I expect to be ripped a new one, so please don't hold back.

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I want to be an Army Aviator for many of the same reasons as other applicants: to serve my country, have a positive impact on others, and satiate my love for aviation. But I think it is my determination, as evident by the sacrifices I’ll be making, that sets me apart. I have a PhD from an Ivy League school, a fantastic job, enumerable career options, and the security and freedoms that come with these privileges. Yet, I am here, prepared to commit myself wholly to the Army in return for fewer freedoms and at a sizeable financial loss. I feel that these sacrifices are far outweighed by the value of the challenges I’ll face, the opportunities to influence and lead, and of course the opportunity to serve as both soldier and aviator.

Warrant Officers are in a unique leadership role as middle ground between officer and soldier. In both my actions and by my example, I’ll directly affect my fellow soldiers and -- indirectly -- the citizens I protect. I have populated my academic pursuits with examples of leadership and involvement. In my five years as a ropes-course leadership facilitator I have arguably received an education as valuable as my PhD work. I believe there’s much more I can still do along these lines and this is an asset I’d like to exercise in service to my nation.

I would also like to pursue my passion for aviation in a meaningful way. In a perhaps foretelling event, I shared the pattern with two Army UH-60s during my first solo flight. I was in awe, and perhaps even a bit intimidated by these complex machines. It’s not that my little Cessna was inadequate, but it was their professionalism and precision that impressed me. The uniformed men and women behind these machines make them what they are, otherwise, they are just machines. I see no greater purpose as an aviator than becoming one of these uniformed men tasked with flying these assets on their critical missions.

Finally, doing things “not because they are easy, but because they are hard,” is a motto of my life. If something is easy, you are not learning. As such, I have worked hard for both my degrees, and the scholarships I received are the fruits of this labor. These achievements funded both my undergraduate and graduate education. As a Warrant Officer, I would work my hardest to continue this trend of success and someday work my way up to the honor of becoming an Army Experimental Test Pilot. In that role, I would exploit my technical background and simultaneously enhance our Army’s capabilities and readiness. I understand that this will be a hard-earned privilege granted only to the best and most determined. I embrace this challenge, and the many others I’ll face as a soldier in the Army.

 

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Nrets,

 

If you do a topic search, I wrote a couple different detailed descriptions on the recommended essay and resume formats. Basically, what a board member is looking for, and how to highlight your strongest traits.

 

It bears noting that Lindsey had one of the best essays and resume formats I've reviewed in the last few years. Just sayin'

 

Mike-

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Nrets,

 

If you do a topic search, I wrote a couple different detailed descriptions on the recommended essay and resume formats. Basically, what a board member is looking for, and how to highlight your strongest traits.

 

It bears noting that Lindsey had one of the best essays and resume formats I've reviewed in the last few years. Just sayin'

 

Mike-

That's only because you reviewed it.

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Nrets,

 

If you do a topic search, I wrote a couple different detailed descriptions on the recommended essay and resume formats. Basically, what a board member is looking for, and how to highlight your strongest traits.

 

It bears noting that Lindsey had one of the best essays and resume formats I've reviewed in the last few years. Just sayin'

 

Mike-

Lindsey's ego detonation in 3, 2, 1...

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Nrets,

 

If you do a topic search, I wrote a couple different detailed descriptions on the recommended essay and resume formats. Basically, what a board member is looking for, and how to highlight your strongest traits.

 

It bears noting that Lindsey had one of the best essays and resume formats I've reviewed in the last few years. Just sayin'

 

Mike-

 

I think I found the posts you were referring to, and am going to make a few changes to reflect your advice.

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I'm no expert in essays or formatting, but overall I thought it was well written. It can be difficult to write about yourself in a way that puts you on a pedestal, but you highlighted your strengths well without sounding pompous. One line that I would change if it was my essay is this:

 

Warrant Officers are in a unique leadership role as middle ground between officer and soldier.

 

I would say that warrants are a middle ground between commissioned officers and enlisted in their duties, sure. However, every officer, warrant, and enlisted person in the Army is a soldier. Nobody should be a middle ground, or else they would be a liability on the battlefield to the real soldiers. I've heard many people say "Soldier first, officer second, pilot third". Anyway, I would change the word soldier to enlisted, or make some other similar change. Overall great essay though, that verbiage just caught my eye.

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Would love it if a few people could glance over my WOFT essay. Respond and I'll PM you. In return, I'll be happy to look over yours when the time comes, if that applies to you.

 

This hasn't seen any other set of eyes, and I'm frankly having trouble understanding whether this needs to be more like a cover letter, selling myself, or more literal "why I want to be an Army Aviator". Right now, it's geared toward the latter.

 

EDIT: I'm going to post my draft here so that I can get more feedback. I expect to be ripped a new one, so please don't hold back.

---

 

 

Since you put it out here, I'll give you the score; Several format and tense errors, contains several "stop words" (i.e. "that") and passive sentences.

 

You want your essay to be clear, concise, and convey what you will bring to the Army as an officer and an aviator. You want to do this in as few words as possible. A board member has 2 minutes +/- to review an entire application, not just your essay and resume. I applied my usual time metric to your essay, and all I could pick out were key words "Phd", "solo" which indicates to me you have some flying time, and the Kennedy quote. The rest was too wordy for me to spend time on, I lost interest about the 4th sentence until I picked up a key word further down. When I see an essay like that, I'll spend a few seconds on the first and last paragraph to see if the applicant can at least tie the key points together.

 

Some quick points, tell me what Ivy league school you attended, catch my eye. How much money and job opportunities you're turning down to join the Army aren't selling points. Go to the WO Staff College site and read up on the doctrinal purpose and mission statement of the Army Warrant officer. You can't go wrong using textbook definitions. If you have a Phd, I'm well aware of the pay cut you'll be taking. Striving to be an XP is admirable, but if that's your primary stated goal, I know you're heart isn't going to be in contributing to the war fighting force as a deploying aviator. You are using your words to convince a board member, that among the competing candidates, you offer the Army the best value in terms of leadership, longevity, and Army core values.

 

Your written word is the biggest first impression I have of you when I review your application. I'm not one to sharp shoot and not offer a solution, so here it is;

 

1. Download a writing/readability guide online. There's dozens, but you can upload a piece and it will give you a score on "readability" based on use of passive words, run-on sentences, key words, stop words, etc.

http://www.thewriter.com/what-we-think/readability-checker/

 

2. Army Action Officers Staff Writing Guide; This guide will help you write concisely, it's a military reference, but you're writing a document for Army folks to read. http://www.thewriter.com/what-we-think/readability-checker/

 

3. Army Writing Style Guide; explains passive sentences and gives alternatives.

http://www.au.af.mil/au/awc/awcgate/army/p600_67.pdf

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Well here's the opinion of a complete outsider.

 

,...and remember, you did say you expected to "be ripped a new one".

 

...But I think it is my determination, as evident by the sacrifices Ill be making, that sets me apart. I have a PhD from an Ivy League school, a fantastic job, enumerable career options, and the security and freedoms that come with these privileges. Yet, I am here, prepared to commit myself wholly to the Army in return for fewer freedoms and at a sizeable financial loss. I feel that these sacrifices are far outweighed by the value of the challenges Ill face, the opportunities to influence and lead, and of course the opportunity to serve as both soldier and aviator.

This part seemed a bit insultingly boastful, almost like you're too good for the Army, but are willing to lower yourself to their level.

 

...In a perhaps foretelling event, I shared the pattern with two Army UH-60s during my first solo flight. I was in awe, and perhaps even a bit intimidated by these complex machines. Its not that my little Cessna was inadequate, but it was their professionalism and precision that impressed me. The uniformed men and women behind these machines make them what they are, otherwise, they are just machines. I see no greater purpose as an aviator than becoming one of these uniformed men tasked with flying these assets on their critical missions.

This part just seemed like you were trying to stick your nose way up someone's ass.

 

I've never written an entrance essay so I don't know, maybe this is how they are supposed to go? Plus I dropped out of college, and it was ASU, so,...

 

I did like that last paragraph though

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Hey butters, thanks for the feedback. I feel some of the same things when I go back and read it too, and I know there's a fine line between boasting and highlighting your strengths. I'm probably on the wrong side of this line.

 

There's nothing wrong with ASU -- I did my undergrad there, and I got a great education at a in-state price.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'll try to be a little helpful while I'm here as a hopeful pilot (and former Marine Corps infantryman), though if I am out of line in my criticisms I welcome being put in my place by some of the military aviators here.

 

To the OP:

I agree with R22 that your intro comes off as condescending. I'm at a well ranked law school and while I'll mention that in my essay when the time comes, I think something like this should be used more to highlight that you can stick to and finish something challenging, rather than showcase your other opportunities. You could also use it to say hey, I've been fortunate to have the ability to earn a PHD, and now I want to give back, I could best do that as an aviator.... If nothing else, you are living proof that plenty of people in or who aspire to be in the armed forces come from very strong academic backgrounds. The modern military is very professional and often well educated, among officers and enlisted. Your PHD will be rare, but nobody wants to hear about all the other opportunities you have. In this respect, you aren't special. On average I have more faith in the problem solving ability of guys I served with as a grunt than I do with my classmates in my undergrad and law school.

I also think that you need to push the desire to serve a little harder than just wanting to be a pilot. Maybe I'm completely wrong here, but when people asked me about the Marine Corps I always told them it goes much deeper than blowing stuff up with friends. The primary reason I want to go back in the armed forces is because I miss the guys and I miss serving. I'd love to be a pilot, and I hope I can make it happen, but if not, I'll be going back in in some other respect. By entering the military you are entering a subculture of the United States, You need to show primarily that you want that, and then that you think you can best contribute as an aviator.

 

Just my 2 cents. Other posters here seem to know much more about exactly what they are looking for, but these were my primary thoughts when reading your essay.

 

Mike

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