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Why I want to be an Army Aviator: HELP, revision, and critiques.

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#1 CAvionics

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 14:41

Hey guys this is my first post and have been a lurker for a while on this forum. Im in the earlier process of building my application/package and was looking for some healthy criticism/review of my essay, thanks!

 

**If it seems a bit ambiguous in terms of Army references it's because Im applying for multiple commissioning programs (Navy)

 

*Is this too long?

 

 

 

Like many kids growing up I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do when I got older, yet I knew wanted to do something bigger than myself. It took me a while to figure out what that could possibly be, but it hit me in my earliest adult years.

 

I went to the University of Kansas and eventually earned my bachelors in economics. Along the way I had the opportunity to intern with the university’s “Student Money Management Services”. My job was to help my peers who were once like me: struggling with personal finances and financial aid come up with plans for financial success. The most rewarding part about that job was the satisfaction of helping someone who was in need; you couldn’t put a price on that feeling. It was this same satisfaction that confirmed my future career path had to be one where I directly helped those around me. So that’s when I decided to focus on a career providing for a community. And what better community is there than the Unites States of America?

 

So like any other ambitious person I called my local recruiting office and inquired about all the different programs the military had to offer. In that process what intrigued me the most was the aviation community. After doing more research I learned I had the capability of being an officer upon completion of my degree. But as I went to speak to a couple recruiters they began to tell me I wasn’t competitive where I stood, and to be frank they were right. It wasn’t a matter if I could apply for a commission but rather was a commission right for me at the time.

 

 I struggled most of my college career academically, financially, and even in my personal life. It wasn’t until the later part of my junior year I got myself completely together. Knowing all that I still had a desire to serve a community. So I did what most people would tell you not do, and enlisted with a degree shortly after college hoping one day soon I could earn a commission. And to be honest I don’t regret it at all. The military has sharpened me in ways most careers would never. It’s been a catalyst to my already progressive mindset and for that I am thankful for. But there’s still a part of me that knows Iam capable of more.

 

Working as an avionics technician has given me the opportunity to be a part of a bigger community but I know I have the ability of better serving my country. It’s been almost four years since I first reached out to a recruiter and since then I’ve tremendously grown, not just as a service member, but also as a person. Whether its community volunteering, pursuing a MBA, or taking small leadership roles, I’m always finding new ways to better myself so that I can in return better those around me. By being surrounded by officers I’ve had the opportunity to firsthand understand that this is what they do at a larger scale.

 

I believe if granted the opportunity to be a commissioned officer I would not only be a successful leader, but I would be able to greater serve those who are in need. My belief in my success stems from where I’ve been, knowing what it does and does not take to be a successful leader. In the words of retired four-star General Colin Powell “ Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty, and persistence.” I’ve learned from my shortfalls and have seen exemplary leadership since. For the past four years I have been working hard on perfecting who I can be and doing everything in my control to make a commission a reality. I hope that you also see this potential and allow me to better help my peers by becoming an aviator in the United States _____.

 

 

 

 

 

Respectfully,

 

…….


just a guy trying to fly


#2 Willbyerow

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 09:53

Hey guys this is my first post and have been a lurker for a while on this forum. Im in the earlier process of building my application/package and was looking for some healthy criticism/review of my essay, thanks!

 

**If it seems a bit ambiguous in terms of Army references it's because Im applying for multiple commissioning programs (Navy)

 

*Is this too long?

 

 

 

Like many kids growing up I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do when I got older, yet I knew wanted to do something bigger than myself. It took me a while to figure out what that could possibly be, but it hit me in my earliest adult years.

 

I went to the University of Kansas and eventually earned my bachelors in economics. Along the way I had the opportunity to intern with the university’s “Student Money Management Services”. My job was to help my peers who were once like me: struggling with personal finances and financial aid come up with plans for financial success. The most rewarding part about that job was the satisfaction of helping someone who was in need; you couldn’t put a price on that feeling. It was this same satisfaction that confirmed my future career path had to be one where I directly helped those around me. So that’s when I decided to focus on a career providing for a community. And what better community is there than the Unites States of America?

 

So like any other ambitious person I called my local recruiting office and inquired about all the different programs the military had to offer. In that process what intrigued me the most was the aviation community. After doing more research I learned I had the capability of being an officer upon completion of my degree. But as I went to speak to a couple recruiters they began to tell me I wasn’t competitive where I stood, and to be frank they were right. It wasn’t a matter if I could apply for a commission but rather was a commission right for me at the time.

 

 I struggled most of my college career academically, financially, and even in my personal life. It wasn’t until the later part of my junior year I got myself completely together. Knowing all that I still had a desire to serve a community. So I did what most people would tell you not do, and enlisted with a degree shortly after college hoping one day soon I could earn a commission. And to be honest I don’t regret it at all. The military has sharpened me in ways most careers would never. It’s been a catalyst to my already progressive mindset and for that I am thankful for. But there’s still a part of me that knows Iam capable of more.

 

Working as an avionics technician has given me the opportunity to be a part of a bigger community but I know I have the ability of better serving my country. It’s been almost four years since I first reached out to a recruiter and since then I’ve tremendously grown, not just as a service member, but also as a person. Whether its community volunteering, pursuing a MBA, or taking small leadership roles, I’m always finding new ways to better myself so that I can in return better those around me. By being surrounded by officers I’ve had the opportunity to firsthand understand that this is what they do at a larger scale.

 

I believe if granted the opportunity to be a commissioned officer I would not only be a successful leader, but I would be able to greater serve those who are in need. My belief in my success stems from where I’ve been, knowing what it does and does not take to be a successful leader. In the words of retired four-star General Colin Powell “ Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty, and persistence.” I’ve learned from my shortfalls and have seen exemplary leadership since. For the past four years I have been working hard on perfecting who I can be and doing everything in my control to make a commission a reality. I hope that you also see this potential and allow me to better help my peers by becoming an aviator in the United States _____.

 

 

 

 

 

Respectfully,

 

…….

 

Shorten it to no more than three paragraphs. Also get rid of all of the fluffy "sympathizing stuff"; stick to writing about what you think qualifies you to be a Warrant Officer.

Speak plainly and get to the point. My "essay" was only a paragraph.


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#3 Drew

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 10:44

As much as it may seem like you want to tell your story, this section of your packet is your last chance to sell yourself to the board. Think about what a warrant officer is all about, and convey to the reader how you would fit well in that community and will accel in that leadership role. Think about what an ARMY aviator is all about, and convey to the board how that fits you perfectly and what you bring to that table. If a board member is on the fence about the rest of your packet and is trying to decide which pile to put yours in, this "essay" is your last chance to get it in the yes pile.
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#4 dirtyfoot

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 16:17

There is literally nothing in your letter that addresses why you wish to be an Army Aviator. Much too heavy on sentimental rhetoric and not nearly enough concrete fact with regards to who you are, what you have done, and why you deserve to be a WARRANT Officer.
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#5 CAvionics

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 22:19

Thanks for the feedback guys. Basically what Im taking away is to cut out a lot of the backstory stuff and get to the straight point as to why I qualify to be an army aviator. Real quick should I focus more on the warrant aspect , aviator aspect, or both equally?


just a guy trying to fly


#6 Luofynerd

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 23:03

Idk man, I'd say try to encompass the whole spectrum of what you will be doing, balancing studying, leading, flying, etc. What qualifies you to have multiple other lives at your fingertips? What qualifies you to be a leader to subordinates and have the maturity to understand a helicopter is not something to be toyed with. I think civilian resume is a little different, but mine as active spoke to all off my characteristics and proven technical and tactical proficiency was that would definitely help in any situation as an aviator, as well as a warrant officer. On the other hand, there is no set standard, people can only tell you what they have done that worked. Best of luck figuring that out.

#7 Adriek64

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 10:43

Why are you talking down on yourself? " i wasn't competitive" "they were right". You can get your points across without doing that. Shuuut... I ended my resume with "Select me now! I'm READY!" It's your time to shine, wht do you have to offer instead what you had to overcome, how can you make the aviation community better?

#8 Gideon

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 23:57

My essay was 4 brief paragraphs. 1st, why I decided to join the service. 2nd, what characteristics will benefit me as an aviator. 3rd, how can I be beneficial/why army aviation. 4th, why a warrant officer. Total 353 words. Also remember you will have a hand written copy as well that must be 1 page.

With the entire packet you want to condense information as much as possible and be selling yourself. They only have a handful of minutes to go through every packet, if your essay or a LOR may be too long then there is a chance they will skip it.

#9 stearmann4

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 19:20

It's been posted about a dozen times elsewhere on this forum; most of your essay is written in passive tense, incorrect formatting, grammar and punctuation. You failed to describe quantitatively why you are the best candidate, or provide examples of future leadership potential. And as other posters noted, far too long. Clear and concise writing.

Unrevised, that essay is a Q-NS

Mike-
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