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Why I want to be an Army Aviator.... 2.0 (seeking critiques)

personal statement essay motivational statement

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#1 CAvionics

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 15:13

**First thanks for the reviews/criticism of my original rough draft. This is more or less my 3rd draft. Ran it by my commands Career Counselor he says its solid could use "something" tho. Anyways feel free to make suggestions or critiques...more eyes the better**

 

Imagine waking up going to work sitting in front of a panel of complicated controls while hovering hundreds of feet in the air. Sounds thrilling, yet bizarre for most, but you could say that’s another day at the office for an Army aviator. Once I found out I had the opportunity of doing this same thing, I knew I had to try to make it into a reality.

Subsequently I earned my Bachelors in Economics from the University of Kansas; along the way I had the opportunity to intern with the university’s “Student Money Management Services”. My job was to aid my peers, who were once like me seeking financial advice, build plans for economic success. The most rewarding part about that job was the satisfaction of directly helping someone who was in need; you couldn’t put a price on that feeling. Though I love the financial field, I wanted a career where I directly helped individuals in a bigger and more exciting way. As an Army Aviator I can accomplish this by supporting service members in the air and in the office.

 

Currently working as an avionics technician (AT) has given me the opportunity to be a part of a bigger community. Passing both “A” school and “C” school with a 95% average I’ve picked up avionics with relative ease. Since I’ve been at my command I have learned how to efficiently troubleshoot several navigation systems and have been active in command events/organizations. It’s been almost four years since I first reached out to a recruiter and since then I’ve tremendously grown, not just as a sailor, but also as a person. Whether it’s volunteering as a “Big Brother”, pursuing an MBA, or taking small leadership roles, I’m always finding new ways to better myself so that I can in return better those around me. My superiors see this in me as well and fortunately evaluated an early promotion to E4. Though I have seen recent success as an AT, It hasn’t completely satisfied my desire in helping my brothers in arms.

 

If granted the opportunity to be a commissioned officer, I would not only be a successful pilot, but even a better leader. My belief in myself stems from where I’ve been -knowing what it does and does not take to properly lead. Seeing the chain of command from the bottom up one understands as a junior the best leadership is by example. By leading through example I can foster a positive work environment thus bettering the whole crew. Applying as a prior/technician, I also understand the dynamic relationship between maintenance and crew. Already having the ability to work as a team, I will have no problem piloting alongside those involved in the overall mission. In the words of retired four-star General Colin Powell “Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty, and persistence.” For the past four years I have been working harder than ever on perfecting who I can be and doing everything in my control to make a commission a reality. I hope that you also see this potential and grant me the opportunity to further succeed by becoming an aviator in the United States Army. Thank you for your time and consideration in this important matter.

 

Very respectfully..


  • TeoerryNug likes this

just a guy trying to fly


#2 Willbyerow

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 20:41

There is guidance on writing essays all over this forum. You're not writing a novella; you need to write a terse, to-the-point, reason on why you're qualified to be an Army Aviation Warrant Officer. Candidate's entire packets are only given a few minutes for reviewal.
The first three sentences in your essay could be removed entirely, as they give no concrete evidence that you'd make a good candidate. Cut the whole thing down, give the facts. At the end of the drafting process, my "essay" was only one paragraph long; however, it adequately summarized my entire military accomplishments.
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#3 Willbyerow

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 20:46

I apologize for the back-to-back posts but I wanted to leave some more guidance. If you would like a good example of how to write your essay, I would look at how Military autobiographies and EOT awards are written.
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#4 CAvionics

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 23:52

Hey thanks for your reply! Yea I'm starting to get that vibe I just got Pm'd with similar advice. It's just that I'm so use to writing in a more "reader friendly" style rather than just straight facts (was also suggested to do this). But I completely understand what you're getting at.


just a guy trying to fly


#5 Gideon

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Posted 19 September 2017 - 16:49

I would agree while this post is an improvment from the first, however you are still in college fluff essay mode it seems. Trying to stretch a few points to cover the whole thing. Some of the explanation of your job at KU may not be necessary. Mention where you worked and how that benefited you in seeing you wanted to serve other and become an aviator. I do like the General Powell quote. Talking about your current service and how that has allowed you to see the dynamic between crew and mechanic is good. However overall it still seems to be missing what I interpreted the questions of the essay to be. Why do you want to be in the Army? And why specifically do you want to be an aviator. Then including what qualifies you to fill said roll. I pretty much answered those questions in bullet points. Made that into paragraphs then smoothed it out. If you want I can PM you my essay so you can take a look at it. Like what you have been told. Information, not fluff.

Are you also still looking to use this essay for multiple applications? Because if you are applying for WOFT change commissioned officer to warrant officer as well.

#6 stearmann4

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 11:40

Search...function.. I just had a candidate in my office this morning for an interview that I gave all the same writing and LOR guidance contained in this forum. If I reviewed an application that had any portion of that essay I would've stopped reading by the third sentence and moved on.

I'm currently 17-0, on applicant success rates who have followed the exact guidance.

Mike-
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