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Summary help, please.


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#1 WOFThopefulAH64D

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 15:17

I read a thread where another person posted their summary and everyone brutally critiqued it. Please do the same for mine? lol, I anxiously and graciously await any and all constructive criticism.

 

Disclaimer: this is a draft and I am not married to any of it. I can and will take all suggestions. Thank you in advance to anyone of you who would like to offer your assistance.

 

SUMMARY

 

 

 

Almost every position I have held including Platoon Sergeant was earned at a rank below the rank specified for that position. I became Platoon Sergeant as a SSG(P), and became a Squad leader/Gunner as a PFC. I have not lead the strongest or fastest progressing career by a long shot. However, I have had a positive influence on many leaders and Soldiers alike. Encouraged them to be the absolute best that they can be and to serve the Army in the greatest capacity they can.

 

I strongly feel I have what it takes, and have proven my worth in the Army to serve the Army as a Warrant Officer It may have taken me a little longer to re-apply than most, but that does not take away from my capabilities or my potential in any way. In 11 years of being a 19K (M1A2 Abrams Tanker) I have gained knowledge and expertise on numerous weapons systems, digital systems for direct fire control, and digital communications, which I believe would ease my transition into Army Aviation. I have had many successes during my career that have molded me into the leader I am today. Most recently, while serving as a Platoon Sergeant I have trained and mentored a young platoon leader, his success and my platoons success is partially attributed to my experience and expertise in multiple mission sets. I have earned an achievement medal for beating out 16 other NCOs at an NCO of the Quarter board. I am one of very few 19K Tankers that hold Air Assault wings and while that alone is not an astronomical achievement, it is a measure of success and shows my willingness to pursue things outside of my normal mission set. The career I have lead so far has been far from weak, and I have out paced all of my peers that came up through the ranks with me. I believe all of my experience and knowledge make me an ideal candidate for the United States Army Warrant Officer program, and you will not regret my selection.

 

"Why I want to be an Army Aviator"

 

There is just one thing that I cannot achieve while remaining a Tanker or outside of the military, and that is flying military aircraft. Having been a ground troop for nearly 12 years I have experienced the kind of relief and motivation having a bird come in on a CAS mission can provide. Subsequently I know the kind of hope experienced when watching a MEDEVAC bird arrive. These feelings have given me a strong desire to fufill those roles. Specifically I would like to fly Apaches but I would be just as satisfied pulling my wounded brothers or sisters out of a combat zone, or delivering much needed supplies to a remote location. Why did it take me nine years to apply the first time and subsequently almost 12 to apply this time? Simply because I had a list of priorities, and I had Soldiers whom I felt a responsibility towards. I knew I could lead them and set them up for success, but could I guarantee the person who would replace me would? In addition to that responsibility, I needed to hit certain personal milestones in my enlisted career before I could pursue aviation, that first milestone came when I made SSG and then shortly after that I applied to become an Army Aviator the first time, I was FQ-NS twice and decided it wasn't my time. The second milestone came when I made my first board look for SFC, which was HUGE for me. How do I sum this all up, into why I want to be an Army Aviator? I feel that I can offer the Army more as an Aviator than any other broadening assignment they may automatically select for me. I would like more of an active role in the direction my career progresses and my desire for flying hasn’t been something that has decreased, only my desire for leading Soldiers on the ground had to be fulfilled first.


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#2 JH11B

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 17:37

So I'm going to try and do this from most important IMHO to least. First up, holy length !! my word counter says your summery is about 669 words, mine and the friends selected with me at the November board averaged about 300. I would recommend cutting it down to three paragraphs max, one should address why you're qualified, one will be your "Why I want to be an Army Aviator" and maybe a very brief closing. Next the summery is kind of a way to highlight yourself. Therefore I would remove things like "I have not lead the strongest or fastest progressing career by a long shot." Your trying to sell yourself in a way so unless you need to explain a lack of something (think ten year SGT) I'd stick to positive comments.  The part where you hit on what sets you apart is good, I would try and front load that and cut it down into a short sentence for each like "selected above 16 peers as NCO of the quarter". The board members only get a few minutes for each packed, so the key is putting the most important accomplishments at the top and working down.


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#3 WOFThopefulAH64D

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 20:28

Revised a bit, removed some things and cut the word count to under 400. Here is Draft #2.

 

Almost every position I have held including Platoon Sergeant was earned at a rank below the rank specified for that position. I became Platoon Sergeant as a SSG(P), and became a Squad leader/Gunner as a PFC. I was Selected above 16 other NCOs at an NCO of the Quarter board. I am one of very few 19K Tankers that hold Air Assault wings and while that alone is not an astronomical achievement, it is a measure of success and shows my willingness to pursue things outside of my normal mission set. My demonstrated leadership has had a positive influence on many leaders and Soldiers alike. I have encouraged them to be the absolute best that they can be and to serve the Army in the greatest capacity they can.

 

I strongly feel I have what it takes, and have proven my worth  to serve the Army as a Warrant Officer. In 11 years of being a 19K (M1A2 Abrams Tanker) I have gained knowledge and expertise on numerous weapons systems, digital systems for direct fire control, and digital communications, which I believe would ease my transition into Army Aviation. I have had many successes during my career that have molded me into the leader I am today, and I have out paced all of my peers that came up through the ranks with me. I believe my experience and knowledge make me an ideal candidate for the United States Army Warrant Officer program, and you will not regret my selection.

 

 

                                                                               "Why I want to be an Army Aviator"

I have experienced first hand the kind of relief, and motivation having a bird come in on a CAS mission can provide. I also know the kind of hope experienced when watching a MEDEVAC bird arrive. Those experiences instilled in me a strong desire to fulfill any one of those roles.  Furthermore, I feel that I can offer the Army more as an Aviator than any other broadening assignment they may automatically select for me. I would like more of an active role in the direction my career progresses and I strongly believe that direction should be in the air as an Army Aviator.



#4 JH11B

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 15:00

Revised a bit, removed some things and cut the word count to under 400. Here is Draft #2.

 

Almost every position I have held including Platoon Sergeant was earned at a rank below the rank specified for that position. I became Platoon Sergeant as a SSG(P), and became a Squad leader/Gunner as a PFC. I was Selected above 16 other NCOs at an NCO of the Quarter board. I am one of very few 19K Tankers that hold Air Assault wings and while that alone is not an astronomical achievement, it is a measure of success and shows my willingness to pursue things outside of my normal mission set. My demonstrated leadership has had a positive influence on many leaders and Soldiers alike. I have encouraged them to be the absolute best that they can be and to serve the Army in the greatest capacity they can.

 

I strongly feel I have what it takes, and have proven my worth  to serve the Army as a Warrant Officer. In 11 years of being a 19K (M1A2 Abrams Tanker) I have gained knowledge and expertise on numerous weapons systems, digital systems for direct fire control, and digital communications, which I believe would ease my transition into Army Aviation. I have had many successes during my career that have molded me into the leader I am today, and I have out paced all of my peers that came up through the ranks with me. I believe my experience and knowledge make me an ideal candidate for the United States Army Warrant Officer program, and you will not regret my selection.

 

 

                                                                               "Why I want to be an Army Aviator"

I have experienced first hand the kind of relief, and motivation having a bird come in on a CAS mission can provide. I also know the kind of hope experienced when watching a MEDEVAC bird arrive. Those experiences instilled in me a strong desire to fulfill any one of those roles.  Furthermore, I feel that I can offer the Army more as an Aviator than any other broadening assignment they may automatically select for me. I would like more of an active role in the direction my career progresses and I strongly believe that direction should be in the air as an Army Aviator.

 

Other than some grammar and syntax issues(its a draft) it's much improved. My only real recommendation would be cut out the part about "broadening assignment"  and cut it down to just address assignments in general. 


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#5 WOFThopefulAH64D

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 13:52

Here is my 3rd draft. This one was almost completely revised after continuously reading the tips and examples of other resumes on the forum.


I became a Squad leader/Gunner as a PFC. I was Selected above 16 other NCOs at an NCO of the Quarter board. I became Platoon Sergeant as a SSG(P). I was promoted to SFC on my first look. I was awarded the Army Achievement Medal for destroying an Armor company with only a section of tanks during an FTX, and I am one of very few 19K Tankers that have earned coveted Air Assault wings. I have influenced many leaders and Soldiers with my demonstrated leadership, and they have served the Army to the very best of their ability as a result of my leadership.
 
As a 19K (M1A2 Abrams Tank Crewman) I have acquired the technical and tactical expertise required to serve the Army as a Warrant Officer. I am proficient with digital fire control systems, digital and FM communications, and direct fire planning which I believe would ease the transition into Army Aviation. My experience, technical and tactical expertise make me an ideal candidate for the United States Army Warrant Officer program.
                                                                       
    "Why I want to be an Army Aviator"

I have experienced, first hand the kind of relief, and motivation having an AH-64 arrive on station can provide. I have watched MEDEVAC UH-60s arrive, and bring hope to those wounded on the battlefield. Those experiences instilled in me an insatiable desire to become an Army Aviator. Furthermore, I can offer the Army more as an Aviator than I can in my current CMF, as an accomplished leader I can bring a lot to the Warrant Officer ranks. When I am selected, I fully intend on staying in the Army as an Aviator for as long as the Army allows me to.

#6 mike0331

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 16:56

I think your opening sounds too much like a list of how awesome you think you are -- not knocking your achievements by any means, just saying how it reads. I think the opening would work better with something like this:

 

"As a soldier I have always taken to heart knowing the jobs of those above and below me, and it is this philosophy that facilitated my appointment as squad leader while only a PFC and as Platoon Sergeant as a SSgt. My dedication as a soldier is further reflected in my AAM for XYZ, as well as being one of the few 19Ks to have earned Air Assault Wings."

You can maybe throw something in there about being a leader, etc, but don't just say "I'm good at leading, and have influenced other people." Anyone can say that. I think sticking to what is reflected in paperwork is best. Again, I don't doubt this, but its redundant if you have solid NCOERs, etc. 

I think you are on the right track pushing the technical and tactical expertise angle as it relates to your current MOS. I would stay way from saying "I"m the ideal candidate." Let the board come to this conclusion on their own. It just reads as douchey. 

 

I think content wise you are on the right track in your last paragraph as well. I used similar examples as a former grunt. 

Maybe I'm wrong -- but the essay still reads sort of like you think your sh*t is the best thing since sliced bread and that's not necessarily a good thing. It is probably true that you would be an asset to the warrant officer corps given your experience, but telling them you're gonna be a hot-sh*t warrant as someone who is merely an applicant strikes me as a bad idea. Nothing wrong with demonstrating you have the required traits, but coming right out and saying it seems like your jumping the gun and a little high on yourself. 

I could be entirely wrong -- I'm still an applicant at this point. But if a Marine infantryman is getting that impression, and you know how we feel about ourselves, maybe you should dial it back ;)

Mike


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#7 Luofynerd

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Posted 26 February 2018 - 15:05

Id have to say I agree with mike. If it were me I would try to at the very least change up the I statements. I I I I I I, kind of get turned off reading writing like that. As you write about accomplishments, you can definitely word them differently to not sound so list like and bland. As far as the PSG as SSG is concerned, in todays army with a lack of senior NCOs thats a common occurrence, I was a PSG from E5-E6. So if it were me I would word it something like, Due to a lack of senior NCOs in my BN I was selected over X amount of SSGs to serve as PSG, a position normally reserved for a SFC. As PSG I did dada da. Serving in this capacity has allowed me to further extend my influence throughout my company, and has been my most rewarding position yet. Like everyone here these are just opinions and though I was selected already Im no expert, so ultimately its your decision what advice you decide to take.
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#8 mike0331

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Posted 26 February 2018 - 23:30

A trick I learned in writing personal essays is to print it out and circle all the "I's" with red pen or highlighter. Then try to reduce them while not making it sound funky. 

 

Mike


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