Critique my Street-to-seat essay?

[ethan]

Apologies in advance if this is the wrong way to go about this. I'm open for absolutely any input anybody is willing to share with me either here or through private messages. Still early in the packet and want to firm this part up early. Thank you.

 

 

From an early age I loved flying. While never flying a vehicle myself, the idea of being in control of such a thing has captivated my mind like no other. The unique opportunity to fly helicopters for the Army is one I ought not pass up.

 

Most of my life I’ve been fascinated with the military, history, and tactics used to decisively win conflicts. With the advent of air power and helicopters the situation on the ground became more complex and allowed for direct support, both combat related and logistically. As an aviator, I would be one of the most versatile assets that Army has, able to move about and do what’s needed at a moments notice both quickly and decisively.

 

I studied applied mathematics in college, taking various advanced courses where small changes in wording, or values can have a huge impact on what outcomes and objectives are. I was required to attend to the smallest details on a regular basis with often many subtleties and steps to cloud the big picture, but still solve problems effectively. This attention to detail and drive I know would be an asset when flying a vehicle with dozens of complicated systems and devices that all need to work in sync.

 

The men and women of the US armed forces are some of the finest in the world and any opportunity to serve alongside them is one of the highest honors one can strive for. Being an aviation Warrant Officer is most appealing to me because of the technical knowledge one attains, the ability to really make a difference for the people on the ground in a tough situation, and eventually the opportunity to teach and inspire younger people who come after me with a shared interest in aviation.

 

[Spiffy_cup_of_coffee]

Its pretty lengthy. But you should rework it to talk about your leadership qualities you have. Remember you arent just applying to be an aviator, you are requesting to become a leader and a subject matter expert as a warrant officer.

 

Though you dont have military experience to draw on for leadership you could talk about how you were the manager of such and such work place. The captain of such and such sports team. In charge of such and such event that place so many people under your charge.

 

Draw upon as much life experience as you can.

[Simpsj17]

Make sure to put warrant officer befor aviator to show you understand you are a warrant officer aviator second.

[XIIGage]

The first two paragraphs are just fluff in my opinion. They already know what an Army aviator does. I would focus more on yourself and how your experiences will apply to the Army. Make it short and sell yourself to the board!

[ethan]

Thank you for the input folks! I'll incorporate the advice and update soon in case anyone else has anything.

Edit: Here's what I got so far. I dropped the first 2 paragraphs, moved the last up, and tried to convey some leadership experiences. Does anyone feel this is still a bit too long?

Edit: updated further

 

Being a Warrant Officer aviator is a goal of mine because of the technical knowledge one attains, leading those around me, the ability to make a difference for the people on the ground, and eventually the opportunity to teach and inspire younger people who come after me with a shared interest in aviation.

 

Much of my leadership experience has come from de facto positions rather than appointed ones. In college, I would often teach and tutor fellow students in groups of 5-10 and tried to balance the needs of each person with the needs of the courses and other students. I was also the VP of my university math club and regularly would organize and run weekly events alongside the president. Restaurants I’ve worked in have generally lacked much managerial oversight and require someone to take lead in hectic situations, again I typically try to organize people’s work and keep motivation up against the heat and stress of the workplace.

 

I studied applied mathematics in college, taking various advanced courses where small changes in wording, or values can have a huge impact on what outcomes and objectives are. I was required to attend to the smallest details on a regular basis with often many subtleties and steps to cloud the big picture, but still solve problems effectively. This attention to detail and drive I know would be an asset when flying a vehicle with dozens of complicated systems and devices that all need to work in sync.

 

[Spiffy_cup_of_coffee]

Looks better. I would add in quantifiable numbers to how many students you taught or organizations you led. The military loves its numbers. For example say you taught over the course of college 30 students, and led the organization of 5 events.

 

The military wants to see tangibles.

 

Best of luck though!

[Gideon]

Overall the second draft seems to be heading in the right direction. Still a little rough and could use some edits. But overall you are getting the general idea.

 

Like others before have stated. You are selling yourself to the Army with his. You need to tell them why they should hire you to be a Warrant Officer. What specific skills do you think make you a good fit to 1. Be an aviator, and 2 be a Warrant Officer. If you want to make it feel a little more Army. You can steal from the armys definition of a Warrant Officer. "The Army warrant officer is a technical expert, combat leader, trainer and advisor." (At least thats the first sentence and all I can remember right now. The rest repeats itself in more wordy ways.) I had divided my essay into 3 parts. Why I want to join, why I would be a good officer, and why I would be a good pilot. PM me if you want and I can send you a copy to look over.