Another WOFT essay needing critiques

[nil5038]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. To any and everyone willing to help, please let me know what I can do to make my why I want to be an army aviator essay stronger.

 

Specifically, i'm concerned with it being too lengthy, if my conclusion is unnecessary fluff and can be removed (which would help with my first issue), and if I did a good job relating my skills, to aviation. That being said, anywhere else you see fit, please feel free to criticize.

 

Overall the structure I was going for:

1st paragraph: my education that would make me a good pilot

2nd: prior service experience that would make me a good pilot

3rd: why army aviation

4th: closing statement

 

You guys may have some questions about me based on the content of my essay. If you have any for me that could help you critique it let me know, or if you're just curious go ahead and ask.

In short, I went to college, enlisted into the Army, then attended Navy Flight School but was attrited (already did the research on how I can get into Army flight), and am currently an active duty naval officer waiting on my discharge papers to apply for woft.

 

 

During my undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide range of activities; resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, Vice President of the Sigma Pi Fraternity International, chair holder for the campus Judicial Board and Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I was entrusted with a large amount of leadership responsibility to balance with my academics. My undergraduate career culminated in a 3.8 GPA, and resulted in acceptance into a graduate level program.

After graduation, I enlisted into the United States Army. In less than two years, I have earned the Bronze Star Medal with Valor, Army Commendation Medal, two Army Achievement Medals, Combat Action Badge, Air Assault Badge, and graduated both with academic honors, and with the Iron Man Award as the top physical graduate in the Army Basic Leader Course. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment, all characteristics of a strong Aviator. After placing second in my division, I decided it was time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.

What I love most about the Army, is it’s revolution around the most essential element of war, the soldiers on the ground. Despite my personal experiences, possibly my most inspirational moments were listening to infantrymen tell stories of their darkest moments in hostile territory, only coming to a positive ending through aviation support. After attempting to enter Army Flight as an Active Guard Reserve Commissioned Officer, only to have my slot taken from me, I was anxious to enter the military flight community as quickly as possible, and applied for Navy Flight. I fell in love with the community, but I believe my career as an Aviator could not be better fulfilled anywhere else other than the Army. I could not believe any stronger that infantrymen are the bravest people in the world. I cannot think of a more fulfilling and meaningful career, than helping them accomplish their mission, as well as ensuring their safe return home to their families.

My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. My biggest fear is becoming stagnant, and limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations. Because of this thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining highly motivated and competitive, I have developed skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Army and its missions make it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as an Army Aviator.

 

[Shadowlurker]

EDIT: I read through mine and saw the the same thing with I. Try to leave it out on the rest of the resume, but it looks like it was harder to avoid than my memory served. Also, just checked mine out and it was two paragraphs and less than half of the back page(almost a third).

--

 

I see multiple sentences beginning with "I" (or something something something, "I"[...]). Switch it up a bit--it's about you and why you want to be there, but there are better active voice sentences for expressing that sentiment.

 

Also, After attempting to enter Army Flight as an Active Guard Reserve Commissioned Officer, only to have my slot taken from me, I was anxious to enter the military flight community as quickly as possible, and applied for Navy Flight. This sounds fairly passive aggressive and would make the board wonder if you were accepted to Navy Flight and if not, why were you not? Especially after you mentioned that you were at some point going AGR for IERW.

 

And your instinct is accurate: make it shorter. They only look at the entire packet for something like 3-5 minutes. The less you write, the more honest it probably is and the less filler you thought you'd need. Short and to the point, while making them engage with your writing.

[stearmann4]

We look at the entire application for 2-3 minutes max. If you have more than 3 concise paragraphs I read the first and last sentences to start. If they're subpar I move on. I scan the entire document quickly to look for key points of information that intrigue me to read further. If its flowery or there are none I disregard your essay.

 

You use a lot of passive sentences, I suggest downloading :The Army Writing Style". The USAEC WO Recruiting page may even have a link to it.

 

Mike-

[atdm14]

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