WOFT Essay again

[Jrok14]

***Update***

 

I believe I have a better Idea of what the essay is supposed to be now, thank you all for your suggestions on this version! Posting my edited version below in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey all, wondering if I could get a little feedback on my essay. I looked at the Army Writing Style publication per a recommendation on another post and made a few tweaks, but want to make sure I do the best I can on it.

 

 

Why I want to be an Army Aviator

 

Together my personal, professional, EMT, and volunteer Search and Rescue experiences fervently ignited my desire to become an Army aviator. My dad and his dad were USAF O4 F-16 pilots, my mom was in the Air National Guard, and her father was a USAF E9 fixed-wing mechanic. Growing up, I sat for hours on end listening to my grandfathers stories about being part of something greater than themselves. Then, on September 11, 2001, I saw our nation in turmoil as the towers crumbled. Heroic first responders on scene risked their lives to save others, as did the brave servicemen and women in the time following. While watching the aftermath unfold, I felt my calling awaken. It was then I knew beyond a doubt that no matter what I did - I wanted it to include serving my country and helping others, especially within a role of first response.

 

Aviation continued to be an integral part of my upbringing; much of my life was spent in and around planes. Ever since I was young, my goal was always to fly helicopters someday. Later when Hurricane Katrina struck, I volunteered with relief efforts and fell deeper in love with the idea of working in disaster relief. Over the years, I strongly considered joining the Army, but was unable to with hand tattoos - at the time unwilling to remove what I thought was a part of who I was. I set out to find a career, knowing I wanted to pursue first response, to serve in a leadership capacity, to give back, and to someday learn to fly. After completing my Masters degree in Organizational Leadership, I became a high school math teacher, a seasonal ranger on Pikes Peak, and a volunteer member of EL Paso County Search and Rescue (EPCSAR). On Pikes Peak, I am responsible for law enforcement and first response. As a very involved rescue and K9 member of EPCSAR, I frequently respond to a variety of missions including severe traumas, medevacs, high-angle rescues, missing person and evidence searches, and recoveries. I also acquired my Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) license in order to further develop my medical skills in the field.

 

Although I love my civilian life, I know two of my core goals remain unmet: flying and serving my country. As a teacher, I can no longer genuinely encourage my students to pursue whatever they are passionate about, while simultaneously denying my own calling. I started the tattoo removal process last September, because it turns out a few black lines do not at all define who I am. Instead, I am defined by my dreams, my goals, and my desire to serve and fly while helping others. I am working rigorously to make this dream a reality, and I am ready to make my commitment. My goal is to fly Black Hawks for medevacs, and I see myself being a medevac pilot until I retire. There would be no greater honor in my mind than follow my familys legacy and serve our great nation as an Army aviator.

 

 

 

 

 

Would love any feedback. I know the middle paragraph is 8 sentences but don't really know if I should edit it. I also saw the thing about only reading first and last sentences sometimes so I changed it up a bit and tried to throw out all the important stuff in my first sentence..

[Jrok14]

*as the civilian of my family, I'm realizing I should probably use abbreviated rank..

 

"My dad and his dad were USAF O4 F-16 pilots, my mom was in the Air National Guard, and her father was a USAF E9 fixed-wing mechanic.

[Pmortillo]

Hey, so I have a few things (now remember this is just my opinion).

 

Through his forum I've read a lot about the essays and how to write them. So this is drawing on the knowledge of some other people who have gone through the process.

 

From what I've read, the board wants three or four clear, concise, and to the point paragraphs. One paragraph for why you want to join the army, one for why you want to be a officer/leader, and one for why you want to be an aviator. In my opinion, formatting it that way makes total sense because they that's really what they want to read about.

 

So the first thing I'd say is your essay is too long. I would imagine that these officers reading your essay don't want to read through "fluff", and it makes sense considering they spend a maximum of two minutes per WOFT packet.

 

I would completely remove the stuff about the hand tattoos, if you have a waiver for it they'll see it there. It just seems unnecessary to include it in my opinion. I'd also remove the stuff about "considering joining the army", I don't think they want to see that tbh.

 

I really think you have some strong points, but make sure you tie them into how it will make you a good soldier, officer, and aviator. It's almost the "so what?", aspect of it. You have all these accomplishments, now state how they have prepared you to become an Army soldier, officer, and aviator.

 

The stuff about Katrina, achieving your masters, EPCSAR, teaching math, and EMT, it's all amazing stuff. Just drive it home now. Tie it in to how it will make you an amazing soldier, officer, aviator (and maybe organize the information a little better).

 

I'm fairly new to this forum, but this is a mix of my opinion and what I've read from other people commenting on essays. If you want to find more info about essays, type "essay" into the search bar on this forum to find other people who had questions as well.

[Jrok14]

Pmortillo,

 

Thanks! That is super helpful. I didn't know there were specifics on the paragraphs, my recruiter just said to write about what made me want to be a WO, not why I'll be good at it, though it makes sense that's what they're looking for. With mentioning my hands and considering I was trying to explain why I waited until I was 29 to get my stuff together and show I was committed since I've been getting them removed for months, but I guess after reading though everyone's stats here that doesn't seem too old afterall. I will do some digging around the forum and get to work.

 

Thanks again, appreciate it!

 

 

Hey, so I have a few things (now remember this is just my opinion).

 

Through his forum I've read a lot about the essays and how to write them. So this is drawing on the knowledge of some other people who have gone through the process.

 

From what I've read, the board wants three or four clear, concise, and to the point paragraphs. One paragraph for why you want to join the army, one for why you want to be a officer/leader, and one for why you want to be an aviator. In my opinion, formatting it that way makes total sense because they that's really what they want to read about.

 

So the first thing I'd say is your essay is too long. I would imagine that these officers reading your essay don't want to read through "fluff", and it makes sense considering they spend a maximum of two minutes per WOFT packet.

 

I would completely remove the stuff about the hand tattoos, if you have a waiver for it they'll see it there. It seems unnecessary to include it in my opinion. I'd remove the stuff about "considering joining the army", I don't think they want to see that tbh.

 

I really you think you have some strong points, but make sure you tie them into how it will make you a good soldier, officer, and aviator. It's almost the "so what?", aspect of it. You have all these accomplishments, now state how they have prepared you to become an Army soldier, officer, and aviator. Like I said, your accomplishments and points are good, but just try and tie it in better and organize everything a little more.

 

Also be quick to the point with your essay/paragraphs, I guarantee you they do not want to read fluff.

 

I'm fairly new to this forum, but this is a mix of my opinion and what I've read from other people commenting on essays. If you want to find more info about essays, type "essay" into the search bar on this forum to find other people who had questions as well.

[Pmortillo]

Pmortillo,

 

Thanks! That is super helpful. I didn't know there were specifics on the paragraphs, my recruiter just said to write about what made me want to be a WO, not why I'll be good at it, though it makes sense that's what they're looking for. With mentioning my hands and considering I was trying to explain why I waited until I was 29 to get my stuff together and show I was committed since I've been getting them removed for months, but I guess after reading though everyone's stats here that doesn't seem too old afterall. I will do some digging around the forum and get to work.

 

Thanks again, appreciate it!

 

 

The reality is, your recruiter might not know best for this because he/she probably hasn't put a lot of warrants through the process. My recruiter is a great guy, but anything he tells me I double check on here because this forum is filled with past, future, and current aviators haha.

 

There's a plethora of information on this forum that your recruiter probably isn't aware about, make sure you are aware!

[Jrok14]

Truth. I'm his first warrant so it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, which is what led me here, and why I want to do all I can to make sure I'm submitting the best version of what I can... I'll keep checking and searching through here when I have questions. Thanks!

 

The reality is, your recruiter might not know best for this because he/she probably hasn't put a lot of warrants through. Anything my recruiter tells me I double check on here because this forum is filled with past, future, and current aviators haha.

 

There's a wealth of information on this forum that your recruiter isn't aware about, make sure you are aware!

[Pmortillo]

Truth. I'm his first warrant so it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, which is what led me here, and why I want to do all I can to make sure I'm submitting the best version of what I can... I'll keep checking and searching through here when I have questions. Thanks!

 

 

Feel free to PM me, I think we are both going for the May board.

[Jrok14]

New version::

 

Why I want to be an Army Aviator

 

Personal, professional, and volunteer Search and Rescue experiences ignited my desire to become an Army aviator. My dad and his father were USAF O4 F-16 pilots, and my mom’s father was a USAF E9 fixed-wing mechanic. Between my military upbringing, witnessing 9-11, and volunteering with Hurricane Katrina disaster relief, I always knew I wanted to serve my country and help others within a leadership role and first response. Each Army core value resonates deeply with own, especially those of selfless service and personal courage. Becoming an Army Warrant Officer perfectly blends my duty to serve with my skills, experiences, and passion for aviation.

 

I am committed to a life of leadership and service. During college, I worked as an Assistant Manager at Starbucks and started coaching high school lacrosse. After completing my Master’s degree in Organizational Leadership, I became a high school math teacher, a summer law enforcement ranger on Pikes Peak, and a volunteer rescue/K9 member of EL Paso County Search and Rescue (EPCSAR). I also earned my Emergency Medical Technician license to further develop my medical skills in the field. With EPCSAR, I frequently respond to a variety of missions including severe traumas, medevacs, high-angle rescues, and body recoveries.

 

As a courageous leader, I remain calm while performing dangerous rescues, making critical decisions, and directing operations. I lead by example, putting the needs of my team and mission before myself. Although I love my civilian life, I know two of my core goals remain unmet: flying and serving my country. I am confident in my calling for aviation, I am familiar with the lifestyle it entails, and I am ready to make my commitment. My goal is to fly Black Hawks for combat service support performing medevacs, executing rescues until I retire. I see no greater honor than to follow my family’s legacy and serve our great nation as an Army aviator.

[Adriek64]

throwing my two cents. The Army likes to use numbers as a measure. I'd try to quantify the amount of Rescues and recovery missions you have participated on. Secondly, passing the advice given to me by my recommending SWO, do not include you airframe of choice. Since you are not being selected for a specific airframe it can come through as a little picky and not open to options. If they select you, you are given a chance at becoming an Amry Aviator not a Blackhawk pilot for that matter. board members don't care what you end up flying. That's 100% up to you and your performance in flight school.

[Pmortillo]

Much better! Well done!

[dirtyfoot]

You witnessed 9/11 and were so inspired that you got your hands tattooed and joined the Army 20 years later?

[Jrok14]

Haha right? No, but it did leave a huge impression on me and I was inspired to do first response and serve others, which I do with SAR and the volunteer FD. My dad is a commercial pilot now and he was on a United flight on 9/11 with the same destination and we weren't sure for a while if he was on one of those flights, so it was a pretty life changing experience for my 11 year old self. Anyhow, hand tattoos were years ago and the product of being young and not thinking about being unable to join the military with them - though they actually are the most meaningful of all mine, and I wanted them on a place I could see all the time. I've talked to recruiters over the years and finally decided they weren't worth it to me to keep me from pursuing this path.

 

You witnessed 9/11 and were so inspired that you got your hands tattooed and joined the Army 20 years later?

[Abazi21]

Great information. Thank you

 

Hey, so I have a few things (now remember this is just my opinion).

 

Through his forum I've read a lot about the essays and how to write them. So this is drawing on the knowledge of some other people who have gone through the process.

 

From what I've read, the board wants three or four clear, concise, and to the point paragraphs. One paragraph for why you want to join the army, one for why you want to be a officer/leader, and one for why you want to be an aviator. In my opinion, formatting it that way makes total sense because they that's really what they want to read about.

 

So the first thing I'd say is your essay is too long. I would imagine that these officers reading your essay don't want to read through "fluff", and it makes sense considering they spend a maximum of two minutes per WOFT packet.

 

I would completely remove the stuff about the hand tattoos, if you have a waiver for it they'll see it there. It just seems unnecessary to include it in my opinion. I'd also remove the stuff about "considering joining the army", I don't think they want to see that tbh.

 

I really think you have some strong points, but make sure you tie them into how it will make you a good soldier, officer, and aviator. It's almost the "so what?", aspect of it. You have all these accomplishments, now state how they have prepared you to become an Army soldier, officer, and aviator.

 

The stuff about Katrina, achieving your masters, EPCSAR, teaching math, and EMT, it's all amazing stuff. Just drive it home now. Tie it in to how it will make you an amazing soldier, officer, aviator (and maybe organize the information a little better).

 

I'm fairly new to this forum, but this is a mix of my opinion and what I've read from other people commenting on essays. If you want to find more info about essays, type "essay" into the search bar on this forum to find other people who had questions as well.