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FQ-NS: Looking to Revise my Essay


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#1 SwissK31

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Posted 28 March 2019 - 21:04

Hey guys,

 

 

I know that just about every WOFT applicant has posted their essay on here.  I decided against that before my first board, because every one of my recommends said it looked fine.  Since I have been FQ-NS, I am trying to look at every part of my packet and improve it.  

 

I do have a resume, but I opted not to include it in my packet because my experience is somewhat limited.  I think I'll probably try to include my volunteer service hours, civilian automotive work experience, and other resume items in the essay.  If any of you would like to look at my resume and figure out a way to include certain things, please send me a message.  

 

If any Army Aviators or selected applicants would like to offer input, I would greatly appreciate it.  

 

 

                       Why I want to be an Army Aviator

 

     I am pursuing a career in Army Aviation for several reasons, including: to take the opportunity to utilize and grow my leadership potential, to attain a career in which I can apply my technical capabilities, and to fulfill a moral obligation of service.

     I understand that as a U.S. Army Warrant Officer, my main role will be as a leader.  I am aware that as a leader, I will be required to swiftly make difficult decisions.  Most importantly I intend to be attentive to my team, rather than make decisions alone.  As an Aviator, I will look to experienced crew members to assist me when a difficult task arises.  However, I am prepared to assume the responsibility and make the final decision, no matter how strenuous the circumstances.

     Following leadership, I recognize that a Warrant Officer’s responsibility is as a technical expert.  I am prepared to be a professional that others can seek for guidance.  I’m certain that I possess the necessary competency to learn and apply technical skills.  While attending college for physics, I have been able to employ and expand my mechanical comprehension in theory and hands-on applications.  Finally, I have no doubt that my mechanical background will aid in becoming an Army Aviator. 

     Every man in my ancestry going back several generations has served the country.  I am cognizant of the sacrifices that allow me to live a free life.  I am also directly impacted by sacrifice.  As a result of my father’s service-related injuries, I have been given V.A. educational benefits to attend college.  Because of those benefits, I believe it is my duty to give back to my community and to those who have served before me. 

     In conclusion, I am fully confident that as a Warrant Officer and an Aviator in the U.S. Army, I will display and conduct myself as a competent leader and expert of my field.    

 

(Edit:  Disregard formatting errors.) 



#2 adriel0491

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 01:04

man. not trying to be an a$$ but that essay is wack. Seems very... very generic and has very little personal imput. 2nd and 3rd paragraphs can be combined in 1 or 2 sentences. Try focusing on selling yourself as the best candidate. what do you have to offer? why should they pick you over the other applicants. Got to sell yourself and this is the time to be a little "cocky". Why are you the best for this job. Also VA(GI Bill) stuff is irrelevant
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#3 WyattR

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 02:17

Are you currently enlisted? Even if you're not depending on your current job try to tie that in as well. For example I talked about how as a 25U I can use my skills/knowledge with all sorts of radios/comms to be more proficient with communications as a pilot. Also, the CW4 that I sat down with and went over my packet and wrote my LOR said that even if you only have a few semesters of college(high or low gpa as well), or a random  certification you have include it. It shows that you are trying to improve yourself beyond a normal high school diploma like everyone else.


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#4 SwissK31

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 13:44

man. not trying to be an a$$ but that essay is wack. Seems very... very generic and has very little personal imput. 2nd and 3rd paragraphs can be combined in 1 or 2 sentences. Try focusing on selling yourself as the best candidate. what do you have to offer? why should they pick you over the other applicants. Got to sell yourself and this is the time to be a little "cocky". Why are you the best for this job. Also VA(GI Bill) stuff is irrelevant

 

Thanks for the input.  Yeah I wrote my essay with the advice from the Senior Aviators recommending me.  Then they read it and said it was great.  Maybe their view on a good essay isn't quite what the board is looking for. I definitely could see it not seeming personal enough.  

 

 

Are you currently enlisted? Even if you're not depending on your current job try to tie that in as well. For example I talked about how as a 25U I can use my skills/knowledge with all sorts of radios/comms to be more proficient with communications as a pilot. Also, the CW4 that I sat down with and went over my packet and wrote my LOR said that even if you only have a few semesters of college(high or low gpa as well), or a random  certification you have include it. It shows that you are trying to improve yourself beyond a normal high school diploma like everyone else.

 

Not enlisted, but I can translate that over to my civilian experience.  I included my college info in my application.    



#5 Seminole

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Posted 30 March 2019 - 06:50

 
Thanks for the input.  Yeah I wrote my essay with the advice from the Senior Aviators recommending me.  Then they read it and said it was great.  Maybe their view on a good essay isn't quite what the board is looking for. I definitely could see it not seeming personal enough.  
 
 
 
Not enlisted, but I can translate that over to my civilian experience.  I included my college info in my application.    


A senior WO could easily read this essay, see all the right ideas expressed, and come to the conclusion that you are good to.

You did convey the right idea overall, but the structuring, grammar, and quality of quantifiable comments hamstrung the essay. Quantifiable reasons why youd make a good WO and aviator were the hardest part for me, as I didnt have tons of transferable experience on paper.

Shoot me a PM.
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#6 hcb2574

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Posted 30 March 2019 - 23:10

Lots of work needed for this essay. I'm not a part of that warrant officer selection board and I can't guarantee what they look for but I was selected on my first look on a 48% acceptance board so I'll give you my opinions on your essay.

 

If this seems mean, I don't intend it to be. I want you to put your best foot forward and be selected.

 

First of all, something that really turned me off your entire essay reading once through is why you want to join the army. 

 

" I have been given V.A. educational benefits to attend college.  Because of those benefits, I believe it is my duty to give back to my community..."

 

That's the weakest drive I have ever heard. You want to serve the army because they paid your bills. If another country decided to pay your bills would you be loyal to them instead of us?

 

I would structure your essay like this:

 

 

Find a good drive and then put it as an attention grabber in the beginning of your essay.

 

On the second paragraph I would speak of leadership based on how you wrote your essay. You already talked about how you would lead but do you have any track record of leading? In my essay I talked about philanthropy, fundraisers, and community service events I was led, created and some that I was involved in. 

 

Third I would talk about your education. They paid for your school so you majored in something. How did what you learn help the U.S. Army. Are there any skills you have learned that will make it an easier transition?

 

Fourth, I would maybe talk about what your father did and how it solidifies your drive. I do know they like it when there is family history when serving.

 

 

Here's my essay if you need any advice but don't plagiarize it. Also the philanthropy, fundraising and community service events are explained in detail on my resume. 

 

Essay:

 

Through my experiences, I can safely say that America is the greatest country on earth. I came from ------, a country with high levels of corruption and poverty. It was common to see politicians embezzle funds from the taxes of citizens and get away with crimes. Once I left the ------- and became a naturalized American citizen, I grown to learn that this country and its values are worth defending. Given the turmoil around the world and the increasing threats to our democracy, I realized that I have a duty to serve America and the best way I know how to do this is to become a Warrant Officer.

 

I have always had a passion for doing what was right. While I was in college I took the opportunity to create and lead committees on fundraising, philanthropy and community service events. Becoming a Warrant Officer would expand on my passion by taking it to a much larger scale. Instead of improving a small group, I would be leading a group of the bravest Americans into a mission to protect and bolster American values.

 

 

I graduated from the ------ with a ---- GPA. Upon graduation I had received several job offers and currently work as a ----- at ------. Although I could continue going the civilian route, I understand that it is time to pursue my passion and do something bigger than myself. I know that the skills I have learned, experiences I have gone through, my commitment to service and my drive will position me to be a great Warrant Officer.

 

 

Because my grandfather served as a (branch and rank) and a (job) in World War II, I understand that sacrifices have to be made in order to protect our values. I am willing to make those sacrifices in order to lead the brave men and women of the United States Army.

 

---

And lastly make a resume. You graduated with a major in physics. you say you don't have much experience, so instead of including work experience explode your resume with classes you have taken and what you did in them. 

PHYS 1530 Thermodynamics and Statistical Mechanics PHYS 2020 Mathematical Methods of Engineers and Physicists PHYS 2470 Advanced Statistical Mechanics

Take any of these and similar to these? Huge plus, you already stand out!


Edited by hcb2574, 30 March 2019 - 23:49.

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#7 hcb2574

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Posted 30 March 2019 - 23:12

Also get rid of this because it's on the job description of 09W on the go army website. They already know you'll be doing this.

 

" I understand that as a U.S. Army Warrant Officer, my main role will be as a leader.  I am aware that as a leader, I will be required to swiftly make difficult decisions.  Most importantly I intend to be attentive to my team, rather than make decisions alone.  As an Aviator, I will look to experienced crew members to assist me when a difficult task arises.  However, I am prepared to assume the responsibility and make the final decision, no matter how strenuous the circumstances.

     Following leadership, I recognize that a Warrant Officer’s responsibility is as a technical expert.  I am prepared to be a professional that others can seek for guidance. "


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#8 SwissK31

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Posted 31 March 2019 - 15:15

I've decided to start from scratch and take a new approach.  Thanks for the help guys.  I'll post a new draft once I'm done.  



#9 SwissK31

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Posted 31 March 2019 - 15:19

And lastly make a resume. You graduated with a major in physics. you say you don't have much experience, so instead of including work experience explode your resume with classes you have taken and what you did in them. 

PHYS 1530 Thermodynamics and Statistical Mechanics PHYS 2020 Mathematical Methods of Engineers and Physicists PHYS 2470 Advanced Statistical Mechanics

Take any of these and similar to these? Huge plus, you already stand out!

 

I took basically the first 2 years of mechanical engineering.  So all the way up to Diff E/Q, Calculus III, and Calculus-Based Physics 2.  None of the higher division classes like that.  Additionally, I was recommended by the CW5 not to include any classes on the essay as they have my transcript.  What is your response to that? 

 

Additionally, I was recently specifically told by the Battalion HQ that I cannot include a resume.  This essay is all I got.  

 

In terms of life experience, I am 19 years old.  I've spent the past 6 years completely dedicated towards school.  However, I did spend a considerable amount of volunteer hours working with TN Walking Horses and teaching kids how to work with them.  I'll probably include that.  



#10 stearmann4

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Posted 05 April 2019 - 07:37

I'm looking for your desire to fulfill a career as an Army officer, demonstrated leadership, potential, and proof you're aeronautically adaptable. (able to handle complex machinery).

 

Flowery, unsubstantiated words, and passive sentences get you an straight line to FQ-NS pile.


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#11 SwissK31

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Posted 05 April 2019 - 15:19

I'm looking for your desire to fulfill a career as an Army officer, demonstrated leadership, potential, and proof you're aeronautically adaptable. (able to handle complex machinery).

 

Flowery, unsubstantiated words, and passive sentences get you an straight line to FQ-NS pile.

 

I think the issue here is that as a Civilian, there is no Resume.  If I wanted to provide evidence for every point I made in that essay, it would have taken 3-4 pages.  That being said, that is why I will be restarting from the beginning with a new model.  The two CW5's and two CW4's recommending me told me not to mess with my Essay for the next board, but I'll heed the advice given on this thread.  



#12 ActuallyChad

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Posted 05 April 2019 - 19:24

I'm looking for your desire to fulfill a career as an Army officer, demonstrated leadership, potential, and proof you're aeronautically adaptable. (able to handle complex machinery).
 
Flowery, unsubstantiated words, and passive sentences get you an straight line to FQ-NS pile.


My biggest issue Im facing with my essay is the potential as a pilot specifically. I have plenty of leadership experience but no flight experience. I think the closest Ive gotten to flight experience is the time when I was 4 years old and got to sit in the cockpit on a Southwest flight. What could I say for my essay to prove Im aeronautically adaptable if I have no prior flight experience?

#13 Thedude

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Posted 05 April 2019 - 19:47

My biggest issue Im facing with my essay is the potential as a pilot specifically. I have plenty of leadership experience but no flight experience. I think the closest Ive gotten to flight experience is the time when I was 4 years old and got to sit in the cockpit on a Southwest flight. What could I say for my essay to prove Im aeronautically adaptable if I have no prior flight experience?


It doesn’t have to be specifically related to flying. What have you done that demonstrates potential ability to safely fly a complex machine while also operating a bunch of other onboard equipment, communicating with other aircraft/people, and maintaining awareness of your three dimensional position in the world and how you fit into the overall picture to accomplish the mission?
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#14 SwissK31

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Posted 18 April 2019 - 10:36

I have re-done the essay.  Would any of you be willing to take a look at it in a PM?  



#15 Charlien24

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Posted 18 April 2019 - 14:15

I have re-done the essay.  Would any of you be willing to take a look at it in a PM?  

 

I can take a look at it if you PM me, I am also an applicant so take my criticism with a grain of salt. Would you want to take a look at mine? A little peer review never hurt anyone.






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