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Yes, yes, another essay


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#1 sheffer

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Posted 05 April 2019 - 20:05

I have finally finished my packet, got my physicals stamped and approved and am ready to submit it. I would like to get some quick feedback on my essay so I can make any last minute changes that are needed.

 

Some stats:

Age: 19

Asvab: 89 AFQT; 123 GT\

LOR: 0-3 Pilot, E-8, and Boy Scout troop leader (also firefighter captain).

Education: HS, EMT B

Flight experience: approx. 8 hours fixed wing

 

 

Aaaand the essay:

 

Why I Want to be a Warrant Officer

 

I believe that I am well suited for a career in the Army as a warrant officer because of my leadership, personal courage, and dedication to service.

 

As a former member of the Boy Scouts and Civil Air Patrol, I have learned how to work cohesively in a group and function effectively in a regimented setting. While in the Civil Air Patrol I had the opportunity to fly in a Cessna for a total of about eight hours over multiple flights. While not much, those flights were instrumental in realizing my love of aviation. During my four years as a boy scout I developed an appreciation for the outdoors through many backpacking and camping trips. I was fortunate to have the chance to go on a week long trek in the backcountry of New Mexico with my patrol, where I was elected to be responsible for navigation and safety. My experience as a leader in Boy Scouts and a Civil Air Patrol Cadet have helped to prepare me for the challenges I will face as a warrant officer.

 

Being an army aviator will require me to think quickly and clearly under pressure. Having spent much of the last two years climbing and mountaineering at a fairly high level, I have learned how to function in high stress situations. Spending multiple days climbing a 3,000 foot cliff will teach you quickly the importance of self reliance and keeping a cool head. As an EMT I have also learned how to perform complicated tasks with serious consequences under pressure. I have no doubt that these skills will serve me well as a pilot.

 

My desire to serve my country in the greatest capacity I can has driven me to pursue this path. I am looking forward to making army aviation a long term career where I can grow as a leader and a soldier.

 

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#2 Rillidan22

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Posted 06 April 2019 - 09:07

First thing to change... dont write you believe or think. It needs to show confidence. Change it to I know...

#3 Seminole

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Posted 11 April 2019 - 14:20

First thing to change... dont write you believe or think. It needs to show confidence. Change it to I know...


Ill contest this. Show confidence, but dont use definitive and absolute terms. Try to walk the line between I know Ill succeed and I think Ill succeed

Im partial to the term firmly believe

You have a great deal of quantifiable experience to qualify yourself for WOFT. Your essay is already pretty concise, but look at some of the details you give (paragraph 2) and see what can be cut out.

Also look at the disconnect between your title and first paragraph. I believe the board does indeed care what your motives are to fly for the Army is. You have tons of great experience - and that should be the bulk of your essay - but dont forget to clearly convey why you want to do this.

Your last paragraph does an alright job of this, but its just alright in my opinion. Maybe let talk about maximizing your potential to serve our country instead of your sentence about growth. Maybe also consider talking about your motives to start, then quantifying ability to succeed as an Army Aviator ( < also captialize aviator when used in the phrase Army Aviaton)

Just my two cents.

#4 sheffer

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Posted 11 April 2019 - 21:19

Hey Seminole,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read through my essay. I think I see what you are saying, and will be doing some reorganizing. I was a little hesitant to put too much emphasis on why I wanted to be a pilot (despite the title) because it seems like everyone who is applying wants to be a pilot for the same couple reasons. I had read in another thread that the board reads so many of these and you don't want to just put "I want to serve my country" or "I've always dreamed of being a pilot" even though those are both true. I tried putting a bit more focus on why I was qualified for the job, not why I wanted it. Do you think I'm on the right track?

 

Thank you,

Luke



#5 dirtyfoot

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Posted 12 April 2019 - 01:34

I like it man. Obviously your life experience is limited, but you did well to state your experience without overdoing it. If I read another "ever since I was a boy I dreamed of flying" essay, I'm gunna puke. 

 

I have finally finished my packet, got my physicals stamped and approved and am ready to submit it. I would like to get some quick feedback on my essay so I can make any last minute changes that are needed.

 

Some stats:

Age: 19

Asvab: 89 AFQT; 123 GT\

LOR: 0-3 Pilot, E-8, and Boy Scout troop leader (also firefighter captain).

Education: HS, EMT B

Flight experience: approx. 8 hours fixed wing

 

 

Aaaand the essay:

 

Why I Want to be a Warrant Officer

 

I believe that I am well suited for a career in the Army as a warrant officer because of my leadership, personal courage, and dedication to service.

 

As a former member of the Boy Scouts and Civil Air Patrol, I have learned how to work cohesively in a group and function effectively in a regimented setting. While in the Civil Air Patrol I had the opportunity to fly in a Cessna for a total of about eight hours over multiple flights. While not much, those flights were instrumental in realizing my love of aviation. During my four years as a boy scout I developed an appreciation for the outdoors through many backpacking and camping trips. I was fortunate to have the chance to go on a week long trek in the backcountry of New Mexico with my patrol, where I was elected to be responsible for navigation and safety. My experience as a leader in Boy Scouts and a Civil Air Patrol Cadet have helped to prepare me for the challenges I will face as a warrant officer.

 

Being an army aviator will require me to think quickly and clearly under pressure. Having spent much of the last two years climbing and mountaineering at a fairly high level, I have learned how to function in high stress situations. Spending multiple days climbing a 3,000 foot cliff will teach you quickly the importance of self reliance and keeping a cool head. As an EMT I have also learned how to perform complicated tasks with serious consequences under pressure. I have no doubt that these skills will serve me well as a pilot.

 

My desire to serve my country in the greatest capacity I can has driven me to pursue this path. I am looking forward to making army aviation a long term career where I can grow as a leader and a soldier.

 

 



#6 Gideon

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Posted 14 April 2019 - 01:47

Overall, I think you are on the right track. You start out with a good hard hitting sentence but then kinda digress into more of a get to know you section. It may be better served focusing on your leadership experience a little more. Kinda think of it as a 30 second sales pitch. Then it picks up again with the 3rd and closing paragraph coming back on track.

Just so you are kinda aware of what I took away from it: I should be an Army Aviator because I have 8 hours in a Cessna, enjoy hiking, have some leadership experience, know how to handle myself in stessful situations, I want to serve, and desire to make it a long term career.




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