WOFT Essay / Summary Critique Help

[amanzi90]

Hello Everyone,

 

I've been lurking on this forum for a little while and have read most of the threads I have come across regarding this topic. I was hoping you guys/girls can roast my essay/summary so I can improve it? I have used the links in regards to readability and actually watched the DoD Course on Plain Language suggested by Stearmann4. I feel like it comes across as a bit fluffy and not enough concise detail, and trying to avoid the cliche sentences is easier said than done! Let me know what you think, thank you!

“Why I Want to be an Army Aviator”

The military has always been on my mind since a young age. I love military history and strategy, and come from a family of prior service members and civil servants. The camaraderie, loyalty, and great sense of purpose that comes from a military lifestyle and career is appealing to me. I’m able to serve my country, be part of something that’s bigger than myself, and be a good role model. I’m also able to directly and indirectly have a positive influence on people’s lives while pursuing my dream of being an aviator in one of the world’s most lethal flying forces.

 

I love the freedom of being able to fly and land virtually anywhere, as well as the thrill of essentially defying the laws of gravity. As a scuba diver, I understand how important it is to keep your composure during stressful situations. This trait is also reflected through my extensive international experience of leading students through various countries while seamlessly integrating into diverse cultures. As an aviator, I can make a greater impact on the lives of my fellow soldiers from the air than from the ground by providing CAS, Medivac, and Recon. This will indirectly have a positive impact on their family back home because they are safe.

 

Being a Warrant Officer appeals to me because it provides the opportunity to refine my leadership skills and test them by setting the best example for my men. The position allows me to challenge myself to become part of the prestigious three percent of technical and tactical experts of my field. Being a slight perfectionist, mastering the criteria of my career is what I strive for. Going through the WOFT process, the willingness of Senior Warrant Officers to help prospective candidates succeed is a trait I admire greatly.

 

-Tony

[mike0331]

Hello Everyone,

 

I've been lurking on this forum for a little while and have read most of the threads I have come across regarding this topic. I was hoping you guys/girls can roast my essay/summary so I can improve it? I have used the links in regards to readability and actually watched the DoD Course on Plain Language suggested by Stearmann4. I feel like it comes across as a bit fluffy and not enough concise detail, and trying to avoid the cliche sentences is easier said than done! Let me know what you think, thank you!

 

“Why I Want to be an Army Aviator”

The military has always been on my mind since a young age. I love military history and strategy, and come from a family of prior service members and civil servants. The camaraderie, loyalty, and great sense of purpose that comes from a military lifestyle and career is appealing to me. I’m able to serve my country, be part of something that’s bigger than myself, and be a good role model. I’m also able to directly and indirectly have a positive influence on people’s lives while pursuing my dream of being an aviator in one of the world’s most lethal flying forces.

 

Some of the wording here is awkward. Either way, I'd restructure this to better spell out your desire to be part of something bigger than yourself. Include family history, military values that appeal to you, if you must. Conclude on similar lines as you have, including that you want to be a warrant officer adn army aviator. I don't know that "lethal" is necessarily the best adjective. Perhaps capable would be better. Aviation provides much more than firepower to the fight.

 

I love the freedom of being able to fly and land virtually anywhere, as well as the thrill of essentially defying the laws of gravity. As a scuba diver, I understand how important it is to keep your composure during stressful situations. This trait is also reflected through my extensive international experience of leading students through various countries while seamlessly integrating into diverse cultures. As an aviator, I can make a greater impact on the lives of my fellow soldiers from the air than from the ground by providing CAS, Medivac, and Recon. This will indirectly have a positive impact on their family back home because they are safe.

 

Are you a helicopter pilot already? Maybe talk about why flying for the army specifically appeals to you here, just briefly. Instead of "freedom of flying" focus on "supporting the infantry." The Army's mission is focused on land warfare, everything goes to support that mission. Perhaps move your current experience (SCUBA, leadership) to a separate small paragraph.

 

Being a Warrant Officer appeals to me because it provides the opportunity to refine my leadership skills and test them by setting the best example for my men. The position allows me to challenge myself to become part of the prestigious three percent of technical and tactical experts of my field. Being a slight perfectionist, mastering the criteria of my career is what I strive for. Going through the WOFT process, the willingness of Senior Warrant Officers to help prospective candidates succeed is a trait I admire greatly.

 

I think you're on the right track here, but it needs to be restructured. Something like "the warrant officer track appeals to me as it will allow me to build on my leadership doing XYZ." The technical/tactical expert language, I would presume, is pretty good. Get rid of the perfectionist language. You could probably better include something along the lines of "Though I have only had limited exposure to warrant officers, their willingness to help prospective candidates is inspiring towards following that path" or something along those lines.

 

-Tony

 

 

Just tossing out ideas. Take them with a grain of salt, as I'm still an applicant. Also, some of my grammar may be crap, these are just suggestions.

 

Mike

[amanzi90]

 

 

Just tossing out ideas. Take them with a grain of salt, as I'm still an applicant. Also, some of my grammar may be crap, these are just suggestions.

 

Mike

Hi Mike,

 

Sorry for the late reply, I was unaware that the post was approved. I did some restructuring, but I'm still in the process of making changes especially to the second paragraph.

 

The military has inevitably been on my mind since adolescence. I admire military history and strategy and come from a family of prior service members and civil servants. The camaraderie, loyalty, and tremendous sense of purpose that accompanies the lifestyle of a military career is extremely appealing to me. I’m able to serve my country, be part of something that’s bigger than myself, and be a good role model. I'm also able to, directly and indirectly, have a positive influence in people’s lives while being an aviator in the world’s most capable flying force.

I relish the freedom of flying and landing virtually anywhere, as well as the thrill of essentially defying the laws of gravity. As a scuba diver, I recognize the importance of retaining your composure during stressful situations. This trait also reflects through my extensive international experience of leading students around various countries throughout Europe, while seamlessly integrating into diverse cultures. As an aviator, I can make a greater impact on the lives of fellow soldiers from the air than from the ground. Providing Close Air Support, Medevac, and Reconnaissance will also indirectly have a favorable impact on their family back home because these soldiers are safe.

Being a Warrant Officer is appealing because it grants me the opportunity to refine my leadership skills and assess them by setting the best example for my soldiers. The position allows me to challenge myself to become a technical and tactical expert in my field. As a leader, I believe that if you genuinely want to achieve a goal, you must propel yourself forward and “embrace the suck.” Failure is part of life, but it's a critical aspect that forges internal growth and mental resilience. As an avid skydiver, confronting fears head-on is also fundamental to your internal growth and mental resilience. Going through the WOFT process, the willingness of Senior Warrant Officers to help prospective candidates is an inspiring and admirable trait.

I’m prepared to take on the vital responsibilities of leading by example, being a master of my craft, and serving my country and community with honor.

What do you think? Any feedback from anyone would be great!

-Tony

[mike0331]

The military has inevitably been on my mind since adolescence. I admire military history and strategy and come from a family of prior service members and civil servants. The camaraderie, loyalty, and tremendous sense of purpose that accompanies the lifestyle of a military career is extremely appealing to me. I’m able to serve my country, be part of something that’s bigger than myself, and be a good role model. I'm also able to, directly and indirectly, have a positive influence in people’s lives while being an aviator in the world’s most capable flying force.

Suggested restructuring: I have wanted to serve in the military since my adolescence. I come from a family rich with military service, and I have come to admire the camaraderie, loyalty, and sense of purpose that accompanies a military career. To be able to serve my country and contribute to an organization as fine as the US Army as an aviator and leader would not only be an honor, but build on my strengths and experiences.

I relish the freedom of flying and landing virtually anywhere, as well as the thrill of essentially defying the laws of gravity. As a scuba diver, I recognize the importance of retaining your composure during stressful situations. This trait also reflects through my extensive international experience of leading students around various countries throughout Europe, while seamlessly integrating into diverse cultures. [As an aviator, I can make a greater impact on the lives of fellow soldiers from the air than from the ground. Providing Close Air Support, Medevac, and Reconnaissance will also indirectly have a favorable impact on their family back home because these soldiers are safe.] Save this last idea for your conclusion

Suggested restructuring: The freedom that accompanies rotary wing aviation and the challenge of being an aviator has always appealed to me. As an avid SCUBA diver and free-fall skydiver, I know there is nothing as amazing of moving around in three-dimensional space. I also know how important it is to meticulously check your equipment, prepare and rehearse for emergencies, and keep your composure in the circumstances where things do not go as planned. (tie this back together with aviation)

Being a Warrant Officer is appealing because it grants me the opportunity to refine my leadership skills and assess them by setting the best example for my soldiers. The position allows me to challenge myself to become a technical and tactical expert in my field. As a leader, I believe that if you genuinely want to achieve a goal, you must propel yourself forward and “embrace the suck.” Failure is part of life, but it's a critical aspect that forges internal growth and mental resilience. [As an avid skydiver, confronting fears head-on is also fundamental to your internal growth and mental resilience. ] This should be along with your SCUBA stuff Going through the WOFT process, the willingness of Senior Warrant Officers to help prospective candidates is an inspiring and admirable trait.

Restructure this paragraph to talk more about your leadership experience, IE european tour groups.

I’m prepared to take on the vital responsibilities of leading by example, being a master of my craft, and serving my country and community with honor.

[amanzi90]

 

The military has inevitably been on my mind since adolescence. I admire military history and strategy and come from a family of prior service members and civil servants. The camaraderie, loyalty, and tremendous sense of purpose that accompanies the lifestyle of a military career is extremely appealing to me. I’m able to serve my country, be part of something that’s bigger than myself, and be a good role model. I'm also able to, directly and indirectly, have a positive influence in people’s lives while being an aviator in the world’s most capable flying force.

Suggested restructuring: I have wanted to serve in the military since my adolescence. I come from a family rich with military service, and I have come to admire the camaraderie, loyalty, and sense of purpose that accompanies a military career. To be able to serve my country and contribute to an organization as fine as the US Army as an aviator and leader would not only be an honor, but build on my strengths and experiences.

I relish the freedom of flying and landing virtually anywhere, as well as the thrill of essentially defying the laws of gravity. As a scuba diver, I recognize the importance of retaining your composure during stressful situations. This trait also reflects through my extensive international experience of leading students around various countries throughout Europe, while seamlessly integrating into diverse cultures. [As an aviator, I can make a greater impact on the lives of fellow soldiers from the air than from the ground. Providing Close Air Support, Medevac, and Reconnaissance will also indirectly have a favorable impact on their family back home because these soldiers are safe.] Save this last idea for your conclusion

Suggested restructuring: The freedom that accompanies rotary wing aviation and the challenge of being an aviator has always appealed to me. As an avid SCUBA diver and free-fall skydiver, I know there is nothing as amazing of moving around in three-dimensional space. I also know how important it is to meticulously check your equipment, prepare and rehearse for emergencies, and keep your composure in the circumstances where things do not go as planned. (tie this back together with aviation)

Being a Warrant Officer is appealing because it grants me the opportunity to refine my leadership skills and assess them by setting the best example for my soldiers. The position allows me to challenge myself to become a technical and tactical expert in my field. As a leader, I believe that if you genuinely want to achieve a goal, you must propel yourself forward and “embrace the suck.” Failure is part of life, but it's a critical aspect that forges internal growth and mental resilience. [As an avid skydiver, confronting fears head-on is also fundamental to your internal growth and mental resilience. ] This should be along with your SCUBA stuff Going through the WOFT process, the willingness of Senior Warrant Officers to help prospective candidates is an inspiring and admirable trait.

Restructure this paragraph to talk more about your leadership experience, IE european tour groups.

I’m prepared to take on the vital responsibilities of leading by example, being a master of my craft, and serving my country and community with honor.

 

 

Mike,

 

Thank you very much for your help with this. I will revise and post a new draft. How's your application coming, what board are you aiming for?

[mike0331]

I actually just got the good news from the board in my home state the other day (doing National Guard). Hopefully will get a school slot in the fall.

 

Mike

[amanzi90]

That's awesome, congrats!! Do you know your airframe yet?

[mike0331]

UH-60s. Depending where I'm out of As, Ls, or Ms, or some mix thereof I guess lol. It's looking like (and I'm hoping) I'll wind up in the medevac company with the M's. As a former infantry guy I have a soft spot for the medevac mission.

 

Mike