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At the kids table


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Its lonely down here, well so far I have been told not to set at the grown-up table and not to bash people. Bashing is not my style, well maybe bashing stereotypes a little.


Tales from the crew house


About midway through a seven day hitch a strange phenomenon seems to come over our base. Its at that point in a hitch that you have already pulled a shift or two with the crew and all that can be said, has been said, or so I thought.


The first day back after seven off the conversation is the normal stuff like what you did, getting caught up on the company gossip, making some more of it up to keep it going, and of course the, who is Klank? I thought it was so and so but it cant be him ect. It doesnt take long for all that to dry up and then you are left with the great abyss.


There is a strange time about midway through the hitch just after morning preflight and when all the chores are done and before the eat and sleep and eat and nap. The conversation in general and especially between two female crewmembers takes a twist that still amazes me every time I hear it.


I guess this is normal, we are talking about two adults, mid twenties to mid thirties, sexually active females. You think men sit and talk about raunchy, dirty, nasty, sexual exploits all the time, well we do but, we havent got squat on the ladies (Im going to use that term very loosely right now)


Let me start with the conversation that has come up in every crew house in the world that employs men and women, the penis.


Without getting into the details of how this came up (no pun intended) that particular morning (because I dont have a clue) the question was posed to my flight nurse (by me probably) on the fact that she must see lots of them in her line of work.Yes I do, almost everyday she replied in a straight forward and somewhat professional manner, and she added, I never even notice anymore unless they are really big or really small


So the next logical question would be (quite secure in my manhood at this point) How small?The nurse smiles and says, Well I remember this one guy, he was about six foot three, muscular build, and very good looking, that had a winky about the size of my five year old(I love the term winky) Not to be out done the medic chimed in with this one guys noodle was about the size of my pinky as she holds up her finger and raps her other hand around at the first joint and wiggles it.


Now, what do you think the next question was? Wait for it!! Ok, How big?


Now the demeanor of the conversation and even the facial expressions of both changed as their brains flashed back instantly to the memory that was apparently not hidden to deeply.


Before I go on, let me tell you, if you even think you might get offended, trust me, you will.


The nurse, who was standing in the kitchen, walks into the living room, sits down, and lets out a heavy sigh. (The security in my manhood is starting to slip at this point and I think her knees are getting weak without even saying one word)


Well, there was this one guy that I can remember she said staring up toward the ceiling, leaning way back in the chair, with her arms spread out on the arms of the chair and her legs extended and crossed at the ankles, If was my first year in the ER and they brought in this guy that was in a MVA, he was conscious but quite, kind of scared, all his clothes were cut off and he had a sheet over him. I remember the woman paramedic looking at me and saying, enjoy I had no idea what she meant. (Another heavy sigh) Being the low man, so to speak, on the totem pole, I was told to put in the fullie. (I still cant spell it) I pulled the cart over and lifted the sheet and Oh My God, this Thing, (big pause) was as big as my arm (I noticed she never used the word winky telling this story)


I actually let go of the sheet and jumped back, the doctor looked over at me, not knowing at this point, and asked if I was ok. He told me later that I looked like I saw a ghost. I collected my thoughts and told myself that Im a professional, and darn it, I got a job to do. I lifted the sheet up and grabbed the, the thing, let go of the sheet to grab the tube and before I could look back it moved


At this point I looked over at the medic, she is so totally engrossed in the story I dont think she even knew what she was doing. Her hands were palms together and shoved down between her tightly quenched legs, she was leaning forward in her chair and her lower lip was gone as she had it firmly between her teeth.


Moved, what do you mean I said in my consummate professional pilot voice. She looked at me eye to eye and said, It got angry, real angry, real fast she paused while I laughed my ass off; I think it pissed off the medic as I interrupted the story. Thats not the funny part as she was visibly red and embarrassed. I look at her now with tears in my eyes and say Not the funny part No, by now I am so flustered and quite frankly I think I was in shock. I just stood there, staring at it; I even forgot to let go. The doctor noticing what was happening and leaned over and said I dont think youre going to get it that wayI looked up at him with my deer in the headlight look and then realized what he said, I let go of the Thing and it made a loud slapping noise when it hit his stomach


Ok, Im on the floor laughing so hard it hurt, I cant even breath, the nurse is beet red and hiding her face in her hand and the medic just sat there with a little smile wanting the story to continue.


I sit up on the floor and lean on the chair trying to talk, “So then what did you do I almost spit out still trying to breath. I left, went outside and smoked about three cigarettes I didnt know you smoked,” I said to her having caught my breath. I dont, I went out to where the smokers were and bummed one then another, the guy asked me if I had a rough case and I told him you have no idea


I couldnt even dream about taking something like, well thats not completely true, I have dreamed about it. I couldnt get that out of my head for a long time, and of course nobody at work would let me forget it either. Well Im ready for a nap she says as she stands up and heads for her room. The medic, looking puzzled, gets up a goes straight to her room without saying a word.


I would not think anything about this except it was only 9 am, hum makes you wonder.

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