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LordByron423

Feedback on my essay please

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This is my "Will you read over my essay?" thread. There are many like it but this one is mine.
I use the word effectively a lot because I was trying to drive home that I would be an effective soldier. Should take out few of my uses of it?

Why I would be an Excellent Candidate for Warrant Officer Flight Training

I would be an excellent candidate for Army aviation because I have a passion for aviation and want to be of service to my country. My critical thinking skills and ability to operate well under stress would give me the needed abilities to operate an aircraft safely and effectively. Those same skills would also make me an effective and strong leader in the ranks.

Aviation is one of mankind’s greatest achievements. The science and technical work that goes into making aircraft fly is fascinating to me. I have a desire of wanting to understand how things work. That desire of curiosity lead me to become interested in engineering at an early age. Engineering is the basis of understanding how the science and practicality of things intersect. I decided to study mechanical engineering because it is the foundation of aerospace engineering, and therefore would give me the foundation of skills that I will need to be an Army aviator.

Warrant Officers are soldiers described as being masters of their profession in their field of expertise. As a Warrant Officer aviator I will need to be a master of aviation on my air frame. When I am learning about something new, I put a true dedication into finding out as much information about the subject as I can. I do this so that I can effectively know the process for how it works. I would use this eagerness and ardent curiosity as a Warrant Officer in order to master my air frame. This means going beyond what the minimums are, and putting in extra work to be ahead of the game.

Aviators in the Warrant Officer Corps are soldiers and leaders first. I am capable of adapting quickly to new surroundings and scenarios, this would help me in the field to quickly and efficiently solve problems and obstacles should any arise. This would also help me to effectively lead my fellow soldiers and help them with their goals in order that the overall mission is accomplished with great success. Another quality that I have is knowing my strengths and weaknesses. Because of this I know when to pass the lead over to another person who is more qualified. A good leader must also be a good follower. My engineering background makes me a detail oriented person, which is a good quality to have for following directions.

Serving in the Army as Warrant Officer aviator would be the best way to combine my passion for aviation with the sense of duty I have for my country. I strongly believe in President Kennedy’s words of “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” I believe that being of service to your country in order to improve it is one of the greatest honors a person can do. It is something that pays reverence to the men and women who did their part before you, and builds a stronger foundation for the men and women who will do their part after you. I embrace this duty and will never shirk my share of responsibility to serve my country and help my country excel. This is why I would be an excellent candidate for Warrant Officer Flight Training.

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Thoughts right out of the gate. That second paragraph is terrible. I can promise you aerospace engineering is not the foundation of being a good aviator. How is that going to help you execute an air assault or convoy security? You could instead write about pursuing a difficult major in an area of interest. There is a lot written but nothing said in this essay. I read this over a few times and the only thing i know about you is that you are a mechanical engineering major. Give some concrete examples about showing dedication, leadership, and other qualities that make you a better pick than the other applicants. You can say all day you are dedicated, detail oriented, and adaptable. But you dont show it by example anywhere in here.

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Be straight to the point about why you are a great candidate to become an Aviator. Also, WOULD you be a great candidate? Or do you KNOW that youd be great? Theres a big difference. Passive vs active voice. Get familiar with Army writing. AR 25-50, 1-37. Also, you better capitalize the S in Soldiers when you submit the essay. I would condense your essay to three solid paragraphs. Board members look over your packet for only a couple minutes. I had mine condensed to three paragraphs with concrete evidence as to why I KNOW that I have the skills and competence to become an Army Aviator. I was selected first look, Im Active Duty. These are just my tips, prima facie. Good luck.

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I trimmed it down some and cleaned up some parts.

Updated version:

I am committed to serving my country and I have a passion for aviation. I would be an excellent candidate for the Warrant Officer Flight Training program. My critical thinking skills, ability to function well under stress, adaptability to change and willingness to work for the greater good of my country and fellow citizens are attributes which will make an effective aviator and strong leader.

The science and technical work that goes into making an aircraft fly is fascinating to me. At an early age I had the desire to create and understand how things work. Because of my areas of interest and my parents’ encouragement, I decided to study mechanical engineering. I believe that the skills and knowledge I possess from studying mechanical engineering will help me be an effective aviator.
Warrant Officers are Soldiers described as being masters in their field of profession. It is my goal to become a Warrant Officer Aviator. I will be disciplined, focused, and committed to my duty and all areas of preparation to fulfill the role of a Warrant Officer Aviator. I am eager and committed to apply myself 100% and learn to master the air frame. Aviators in the Warrant Officer Corps are Soldiers and leaders first. I believe that a good leader must also be a good follower. One of my attributes is knowing my strengths and the importance of collaborating with others to achieve the set goals and missions.

Serving as an Army Warrant Officer Aviator will provide me the opportunity to apply my passion for aviation along with serving my country. I strongly believe in President Kennedy’s words, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” It is a great honor for a person to be of service to their country. That service is something that pays reverence to the men and women who did their part before you, and therefore will build a stronger foundation for the men and women who will serve after you. I embrace this duty to serve and will never shirk my share of responsibility to serve my country and to help my country excel. I ask for the opportunity to serve my country as an Army Warrant Officer Aviator.

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The first comment said something about what specific situations I have of high stress things. Another essay I was looking at, the person mentioned their hobby of recreational scuba diving for handling stressful situations. I could mention my hobby of riding motorcycles on trackdays. There is a lot of technical skills involved in dragging your knee while cornering a motorcycle at high speed.

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I am committed to serving my country and I have a passion for aviation. I would be an excellent candidate for the Warrant Officer Flight Training program. My critical thinking skills, ability to function well under stress, adaptability to change and willingness to work for the greater good of my country and fellow citizens are attributes which will make an effective aviator and strong leader.

 

Good intro but nowhere in this essay do you prove critical thinking skills, ability to function under stress, or adapt to change. You say those thing right up front and then provide no evidence.

 

The science and technical work that goes into making an aircraft fly is fascinating to me. At an early age I had the desire to create and understand how things work. Because of my areas of interest and my parents’ encouragement, I decided to study mechanical engineering. I believe that the skills and knowledge I possess from studying mechanical engineering will help me be an effective aviator.

 

Explain how studying mechanical engineering will help you be an effective aviator. I assume you are in college. Do you have a high GPA? Extracurricular activities that demonstrate teamwork or time management?

Warrant Officers are Soldiers described as being masters in their field of profession. It is my goal to become a Warrant Officer Aviator. I will be disciplined, focused, and committed to my duty and all areas of preparation to fulfill the role of a Warrant Officer Aviator. I am eager and committed to apply myself 100% and learn to master the air frame. Aviators in the Warrant Officer Corps are Soldiers and leaders first. I believe that a good leader must also be a good follower. One of my attributes is knowing my strengths and the importance of collaborating with others to achieve the set goals and missions.

 

We know its your goal to become a Warrant Officer Aviator, that's why you submitted a packet so you can axe that line.

 

Serving as an Army Warrant Officer Aviator will provide me the opportunity to apply my passion for aviation along with serving my country. I strongly believe in President Kennedy’s words, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” It is a great honor for a person to be of service to their country. That service is something that pays reverence to the men and women who did their part before you, and therefore will build a stronger foundation for the men and women who will serve after you. I embrace this duty to serve and will never shirk my share of responsibility to serve my country and to help my country excel. I ask for the opportunity to serve my country as an Army Warrant Officer Aviator.

 

I'm gonna be blunt again. Nowhere in this essay have you given proof or demonstrated any of the attributes you listed in the opening paragraph. The board has 3-5 minutes to learn about you. The essay here is nothing but fluff. Give some examples of how you demonstrated the abilities you listed. Keep asking yourself, does this essay prove that I should be chosen over someone else?

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With your experience... Go to the airlines, you will thank me later!

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Nowhere in your essay do you state why YOU should be a WO or what you have done to demonstrate that you have the requisite aptitudes. The entire essay is fluff. Stay away from patriot quotes and nostalgia. Nobody cares what used to fascinate you as a kid. What have you done to show that you deserve a shot?

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