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New day new essay review request

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So I've cut my essay down to about 371 words. Overall I feel like I'm struggling with ensuring it's concise enough but also encompasses the details of my career/life. Sorry about any mobile format errors currently in the field at JBLM.




At the age of 13 I set a foundation for work ethic, drive, and initiative that continuously propelled me to seek out new challenges and opportunities throughout my life. I became an entrepreneur as I established my own business which later became a regionally renowned brand. From this young age it became apparent that I would blaze a bold path and demonstrate my capability to dominate in an environment of uncertainty and unfamiliarity.


My desire to be an Army Aviation Warrant Officer stems from a lifelong passion for aviation and the potential to serve in a greater capacity with a more direct impact than my current mission offers. I wish to become a technical expert and devote myself to a career of continual learning combined with greater responsibility.


Agility, adaptiveness, and creativity are not only the essential characteristics of an Aviation Warrant Officer, but the same attributes I learned as an entrepreneur and then honed as a skilled Military Police Soldier. My seven years of technical and tactical experience through a broad spectrum of Military Police operations, both garrison and abroad, has provided me with the knowledge, competence, and fortitude to serve in such a role as an Army Warrant Officer.


Since the early days of my Army career, I was repeatedly selected to serve in positions beyond my grade and scope. My tireless work ethic and keen eye for detail have set me apart from my peers since the beginning of my career. Some of these highlights include accomplishing multiple high profile missions as a PFC in Guantanamo Bay, as well as leading a multinational security detail at the Korean Battle Simulation Center during exercise Key Resolve. My continuous competence and maturity resulted in being selected to serve as a Platoon Sergeant for a MP line platoon in Korea as a SGT and lead 64 US Soldiers and KATUSAs for a period of over 6 months. I have also been selected above my peers to serve in numerous critical additional duties including SHARP Victim Advocate, Master Driver, and Unit Armorer.


I have proven myself an exceptional leader and Soldier as my track record speaks for itself. I am ready to immediately accept the challenges of becoming an Army Warrant Officer.

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I like it so far. Have you put it into microsoft word yet for grammar? It sounds good with just some minor tweaks such as switching has to have in the sentence both garrison and abroad, has provided me with the knowledge.


Note: its removing some of my quotation marks on mobile

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Well, if it were me, I'd combine those first two sentences thusly;


",.when I became an entrepreneur and established my own business".


,...but I was a "C" student in English, so,...:D

C's get degrees right?! I had a few friends review my first rough drafts, they were rough.

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