"Why I Want to Be An Aviator" Essay Review

[sunyforreal]

Hey all, I'm nearing the end of completing my WOFT Packet (got a couple things on hold right now due to COVID-19) and have been trying to get my UF 3.2 Summary perfect. I would appreciate if anyone could take a look at my summary:

I look back with fond memories of my first air show at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa Florida. Watching the Blue Angels fly in their famous diamond formation close overhead was all I needed to see as a child- from that moment on I knew I wanted to fly. If you had asked me then, I would have said all a pilot did in the military was eat, sleep and fly. I now know there is so much more to being a military aviator than just being a pilot. Being an Army Aviator and a Warrant Officer demands quality steadfast leadership, technical expertise and the ability to be a trusted advisor both in and out of the cockpit. It has been my observation that Army Warrant Officers are highly trained technical experts in their field and an important asset to their respective Command Team. My experience as a Soldier and a Noncommissioned Officer have shown me I have the motivation, drive, humility and will to become the kind of Warrant Officer I would want to serve alongside.  The kind of Officer and aviator that will inspire those around them to reach beyond what is expected and strive for more than they believe themselves capable.  A leader who will bring the very best and leave the Army better than how I found it.

As a Noncommissioned Officer I have had the incredible opportunity to lead and develop intelligent, experienced Soldiers from all different walks of life. This has allowed me to fine-tune my leadership abilities and create a style wholly my own that I can utilize to accomplish the mission. I have flourished in multiple different Army Commands, and have proven that I am an adaptable leader who exemplifies the Total Soldier Concept. I love leading Soldiers and rising to overcome difficult challenges, because these important life experiences are what develops Army Leaders. To earn the opportunity to combine a dream of mine, being a pilot, with my passion, which is being a Leader in the United States Army, could not be more of an honor for me. My experience, passion and willingness to learn are what qualify me to be an Army Aviator. To quote President John F. Kennedy, “Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other”. I want to be an Army Aviator because being an Army Aviator is about more than just eating, sleeping and flying.  It’s about being a quality leader who leads by example. I will be the well-rounded Aviator that seeks to accomplish these tenets.

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Anyways, any constructive criticism would be much appreciated. Also if anyone is willing to take a look at my UF 3.2 Resume to make sure it checks out I would highly appreciate it! As I get closer to to having a complete packet the nerves are really starting to set in.

[eyrk]

Things I want to know:

Whats your MOS/rank and how has this prepared you to be a WO/pilot. What assets do you bring to the table that would improve the cohort. 

Qualitative and quantifiable things you've done that sets you apart from other candidates, makes you a good pick for WO. What shows that you are able to operate at an increased position of trust and responsibility.

Have you completed and further education that can set you apart.

Most of what I see above is very generic, I could attach anyones name to this and it would still apply. Dive deeper and sell yourself.

 

Out of everything in my packet this is what I struggled the most with. I was a FQ-NS my first go around and I attribute it mostly to a summary that was short and didn't sell myself and everything that I bring to the table. Redid the whole thing, expanded on a lot and was selected. 

 

[sunyforreal]

On my original draft I had a paragraph explaining different quantifiable accomplishments I’ve made but I felt like it rambled too much, and after finishing my resume I didn’t want to sound redundant putting the same type of accomplishments I already put in my duty descriptions into my summary. Does it look better to pull some of that for my summary instead? I was struggling to relate things I did as a Lab Technician in a way that would apply to Aviation. That’s why I leaned heavy on my NCO background in my essay. 
 

I’m definitely struggling hard with this Summary so I really truly appreciate your solid advice.

[Seminole]

I could sign any NCOs name at the bottom of this essay and it could still make sense in context. It is too general.
 

As stated above, you need some specific quantifiable content about why you are qualified for this program. 
 

You write pretty well but much like me when I wrote my first drafts, it was too wordy and idealistic. You want your ideals and morals to gently accent raw data that shows the board you will be a good warrant and pilot. 

[sunyforreal]

Thank you @eryk and @Seminole for your advice. I went through my whole essay and revised it using your points. This is how it looks now:

I look back with fond memories of my first air show at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa Florida. Watching the Blue Angels fly in their famous diamond formation close overhead was all I needed to see as a child. I dreamed of sitting in the cockpit one day. As I’ve grown, my dream has matured, and through my exposure to Army Aviators as a Soldier I know now there is much more to being an aviator than just being a pilot. Being an Army Aviator and a Warrant Officer demands quality steadfast leadership, technical expertise, and the ability to be a trusted advisor both in and out of the cockpit. It has been my observation that Army Warrant Officers are highly trained technical experts in their field and an important asset to their respective Command Team. My experience as a Soldier and a Noncommissioned Officer has shown me I have the motivation, drive, humility, and will to become the kind of Warrant Officer I would want to serve alongside.  The kind of Officer and aviator that will inspire those around them to reach beyond what is expected and strive for more than they believe themselves capable.  A leader who will bring the very best and leave the Army better than how I found it.
 
As a Medical Laboratory Noncommissioned Officer, I’ve had the opportunity to work in both FORSCOM and MEDCOM units, leading Soldiers through a wide variety of different mission skillset requirements. Coming from a high optempo Brigade Support Battalion, I had to be both proficient in my MOS and able to quickly learn and adapt as the mission changed. In this environment I proved I could work on my toes, being quickly placed into a NCOIC slot as a PFC and supervising the Laboratory through two JRTC rotations, two Brigade field training exercises, and a multitude of other field training and Joint Service exercises. It was during these exercises our Role II Medical Treatment Facility had the opportunity of interacting with Army Aviators performing medical evacuations of casualties to our location. Witnessing their highly professional attitude and airmanship firsthand only bolstered my desire to be an Army Aviator. Between then and now, I’ve strived to exceed the standard in all facets of my career and personal life. In Basic Leaders Course, I scored 100% on the Leadership, Training, and Warfighting examinations, earned a “Superior” in every demonstrated ability I was evaluated on, and was selected for Commandant’s List with a GPA of 96.41%. I maintained positive accountability of over $400k worth of medical equipment and supported three successful Change of Command inventories with zero losses. I currently additionally serve as the Satellite Accumulation Area Manager and have coordinated with Environmental Compliance Officers to facilitate the turn-in of dozens of gallons of hazardous waste, improving our Hazardous Material Management System and increasing safety across the department. I presently have 66 college credits, working towards my Bachelor’s Degree in Health Science Laboratory Technology.

Serving as an Army Aviator will allow me to continue growing the skills I have developed as a leader while supporting Soldiers on the ground in a way I’ve previously only dreamed of. My experience as a Laboratory NCO, technical expertise, and desire to exceed expectations will position me to thrive as an Army Aviator. To quote President John F. Kennedy, “Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other”. I want to be an Army Aviator because being an Army Aviator is about more than just being a pilot.  It’s about being a quality leader who leads by example. I will be the well-rounded Aviator that seeks to accomplish these tenets.

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My only issue is it is a little lengthy now, but I think it's a lot more specific and personal than it was before. Once again, thank you for your help!