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Be as brutal as possible.

 

Why I want to be an Army WOFT Aviator

 

Serving my country as a Soldier, leader and aviator will be one of the greatest honors of my life.  My mother and step-father were Army officers until retirement and my grandfather was a Soldier during WWII.  Growing up in this environment instilled in me the Army’s values and the desire to serve.  I admire the duty, loyalty and personal courage it takes to be a Soldier and know that I will be successful in this role.  My leadership skills, ability to adapt under pressure, and technical acumen demonstrate that I am an excellent warrant officer and aviator candidate. 

 

Over the last 5 years. I have worked as an unmanned aerial systems operator and have become an award-winning industry expert through self-study and drive. I fly technically-complex, heavy-lift unmanned aircraft, in order to inspect critical infrastructure, while also leading teams on jobsites. My decisions and attention to detail directly impact the safety and success of the flight missions.  Oftentimes, there is a high amount of pressure and visibility put on these missions due to weather, scheduling, budget, personnel issues, politics etc.  Despite this, I remain confident, complete my tasks, perform proper preflight and safety checks, and get the job done.  

 

It will be an honor to take on the responsibility of being a Soldier, leader, and aviator in selfless service to my country.   Becoming a part of the most lethal flying force in the world will be a big challenge, but I firmly believe that I will be a great asset to the US Army.  I will use my determination to succeed, desire to serve, and passion for aviation to stay motivated.  If given this opportunity, I will continue to build upon my leadership skills, become an excellent solider, and an effective aviator. 

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To keep the feedback simple... that's good enough. Double check grammar and "army writing" style.

 

" award-winning industry expert" comes off lame to me, but that's just my opinion. 

 

If you have time, it doesn't hurt to make it better. You did good at talking yourself up without sounding like a douche, which is probably the main goal.

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Detail what awards you earned and for doing what, don't just say you earned them. That's a good quantifiable piece of information that right now is just fluff in your current essay. 

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Revision: 

Why I want to be an Army WOFT Aviator

 

With over 10,000 volunteer hours, I aspire to continue serving others as a Soldier, leader and aviator for my country.  My mother and step-father, who were Army officers, and my grandfather, who was a Soldier during WWII, taught me the importance of selfless service.  They also showed me the loyalty, personal courage, and the ability for Soldiers to push themselves beyond perceived limits.  As a division I college athlete, I also learned to push myself.  I played rugby on a team with a high work-ethic and elite tactics and teamwork.  As a result, we won our conference and national championships.  I am ready to join the most elite flying force and serve this nation as an Army Aviator.  My leadership skills, ability to adapt under pressure, and technical acumen demonstrate that I am an excellent candidate.   

 

Over the last 5 years, I have worked as an unmanned aerial systems operator, flying technically-complex aircraft worth up to $300,000.  I also lead flight crews, with up to 20 people, who inspect America’s critical infrastructure. These assets include cell towers, transmission lines, and wind turbines.  They are worth millions of dollars and are critical to our day-to-day function. Because of this, tight deadlines, and austere environments, my flight crew is under a lot of pressure.  My decisions and attention to detail directly impact mission outcomes and the ability for the infrastructure to remain in working order. To date, I have maintained a 100% zero-incidence safety and mission completion record. Additionally, I have become an expert in this field through self-study and determination. I was invited to the White House to consult the President’s advisors and have spoken at 6 professional conferences including the Federal Aviation Administration’s (FAA) Unmanned Aviation Symposium.

 

I am ready to take on the challenge of becoming a Soldier, leader and aviator, without reservation. If selected for this opportunity, I will build upon my leadership skills, continue to refine my adaptability, and turn into an excellent asset for the Army.  I will serve alongside my fellow Soldier with integrity, respect, and honor. I will lead by example and bring my work-ethic and dedication.  My passion for aviation and service will continue to motivate me to push myself. Lastly, the sacrifices I will make will be worth protecting the freedoms that I, and others in this country enjoy.               

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