The Lighter Side

[67november]

>> TOOL COURSE

>>

>> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for

>> suddenly snatching flat metal

>> bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in

>> the chest and flings

>> your beer across the room, splattering it against

>> that freshly painted

>> airplane part you were drying.

>>

>> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws

>> them somewhere under the

>> workbench with the speed of light. Also removes

>> fingerprint whorls and

>> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it

>> takes you to say,

>> "Ouch...."

>>

>> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop

>> rivets in their holes

>> until you die of old age.

>>

>> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

>>

>> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on

>> the Ouija board

>> principle. It transforms human energy into a

>> crooked, unpredictable motion,

>> and the more you attempt to influence its course,

>> the more dismal your

>> future becomes.

>>

>> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If

>> nothing else is available,

>> they can also be used to transfer intense welding

>> heat to the palm of your

>> hand.

>>

>> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for

>> lighting various flammable

>> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for

>> igniting the grease inside the

>> wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

>>

>> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older

>> British cars and

>> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for

>> impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

>> socket you've been searching for the last 15

>> minutes.

>>

>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an

>> automobile to the ground after

>> you have installed your new disk brake pads,

>> trapping the jack handle firmly

>> under the bumper.

>>

>> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering

>> an automobile upward off

>> a hydraulic jack handle.

>>

>> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

>>

>> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he

>> has another hydraulic

>> floor jack.

>>

>> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a

>> sandwich tool for

>> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog

>> **** off your boot.

>>

>> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times

>> harder than any known

>> drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't

>> use anyway.

>>

>> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile

>> strength on everything

>> you forgot to disconnect.

>>

>> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar

>> that inexplicably has an

>> accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

>> opposite the handle.

>>

>> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

>>

>> TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning

>> booth. Sometimes called a

>> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the

>> sunshine vitamin," which

>> is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health

>> benefits aside, it's

>> main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at

>> about the same rate that

>> 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,

>> the first few hours of the

>> Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,

>> its name is somewhat

>> misleading.

>>

>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids

>> of old-style

>> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;

>> but can also be used,

>> as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw

>> heads.

>>

>> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced

>> in a coal-burning power

>> plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

>> compressed air that travels by

>> hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips

>> rusty bolts last over

>> tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and

>> neatly rounds off their

>> heads.

>>

>> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal

>> surrounding that clip or bracket

>> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

>>

>> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

>>

>> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the

>> hammer nowadays is used

>> as a kind of divining rod to locate the most

>> expensive parts not far from

>> the object we are trying to hit.

>>

>> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the

>> contents of cardboard

>> cartons delivered to your front door; works

>> particularly well on contents

>> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

>> bottles, collector

>> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

>> parts.

>>

>> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw

>> across the garage while

>> yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is

>> also the next tool that

>> you will need.

[HeloApex]

While flying to a golf course in Cary, NC, we had to cross through RDU airspace. When contacting Raleigh Approach, and giving our destination of the golf course, ATC stated that she lived on the golf course we were flying to and could we check to see if dinner was ready.

 

Our response, of course was, what's for dinner? She stated that her daughter was BBQing porkchops.

 

After telling her we would drop by her house, the next radio call started, Raleigh PorkChop this is US Air XXX.

 

And she answered to her new handle.

 

HeloApex

[67november]

Oil Change instructions for women:

 

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since

the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly

maintained vehicle.

 

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

 

Oil Change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

 

Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00

 

But you know the job was done right!

[67november]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

 

"The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER'.

 

"The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

 

"After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTE' sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Truth about Helicopters

Anybody who is going to deal with helicopters should know

certain things about them, otherwise they'll just drive him crazy!

 

The thing is, helicopters are different from aeroplanes. An aeroplane

wants to fly by it's nature, and if not interfered with too strongly

by unusual events or by a deliberately incompetent pilot, it will fly.

A helicopter does not want to fly. It is kept in the air by a variety

of forces and controls working in opposition of each other; and if there

is any disturbance in the delicate balance, the helicopter stops flying

immediately and disastrously. There is no thing as a gliding helicopter.

 

This is why being a helicopter pilot is so different from being an aero-

plane pilot and why, in general, aeroplane pilots are open, cleareyed,

buoyant extroverts, and helicopter pilots are brooders, introspective

anticipators of trouble. They know if anything bad has not happened,

it is about to...

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

this will keep ya busy for awhile

 

http://www.ahajokes.com/helicopter_pilot.html

Edited September 20, 2006 by 67november

[Guest rookie101]

this will keep ya busy for awhile

 

http://www.ahajokes.com/helicopter_pilot.html

 

Just adding to the games

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/rockface/game/index.shtml

 

I find both these games frustrating. Constantly I am crashing!! Hope this doesn't mean anything

[67november]

Just for Pokey

 

Did you hear about the duck who flew upside down? He quacked up.

[67november]

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight

trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing

next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied,

"I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride

right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing

this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As

they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector

brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his

finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which

the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Renting helicopters is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short

notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always

looking at their watch."

Edited September 19, 2006 by 67november

[67november]

THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF IFR FLYING:

 

Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis

on safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic

control tower has reached new peaks of electronic perfection to

assist the pilot during take-offs , flight , and landings. For

whimsical contrast to these and other marvels of scientific

flight engineering , it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots of

the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of

Flight , just in case something goes wrong with any of these new-

fangled flying instruments you find in today's aircraft.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always

remains upright , he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and

ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine

if a wing is low and , if so , which one.

The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing.

Because any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument

conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the

plane and follow her to the ground.

 

There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but

by rigidly adhering to the following check list , a degree of

success will be achieved.

 

1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up

at all, at any time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce

dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

 

2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all

their time washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself

usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or

flat) spin. You can see this is very unsanitary.

 

3. Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an

old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose

an you do and will therefore be more dependable.

 

4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that

you are using the cat to stay upright - or straight and level-

she will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better on

instruments than you are.

 

5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks

sometimes will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very

short-sighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out

and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This

maneuver is quite difficult to follow in an airplane.

 

6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break

out and find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in

Iowa. Also, the farmers there suffer from temporary insanity

when chasing crows off their corn fields and will shoot anything

that flies.

 

7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks

with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are

very competent instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the

same direction you do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee

Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the goose.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian

Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly

happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

 

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon".

 

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over

that beacon!"

 

(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Pilot's Prayer

 

 

Oh controller, who sits in tower

Hallowed be thy sector.

Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done

On the ground as they are in the air.

Give us this day our radar vectors,

And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)

As we forgive those who cut us off on final.

And lead us not into adverse weather,

But deliver us our clearances.

 

Roger.

Edited September 19, 2006 by 67november

[Guest pokey]

Just for Pokey

 

Did you hear about the duck who flew upside down? He quacked up.

 

 

heheheeh67 !

 

and to return the duck joke/favor, here is one for you:

 

Did you hear about the flaming duck? He was a FireQuacker

[Gomer Pylot]

True SR71 story: we were flying a UH1 in Korea, at about 1000', and Osan Approach called us as traffic to an SR71 screaming southward somewhere up in the flight levels. He replied "I don't think he will be a factor".

[Guest pokey]

We were discussing underpowered twin-engine aircraft the other day & this one guy summed it all up: "when one quits, the other will get you to the crash site"

[GLSNightPilot]

That's the BO-105. The NTSB site list one incident in which an engine was lost and the aircraft was unable to maintain altitude OEI, and eventually landed in the Gulf of Mexico, IIRC. The NTSB site is down right now, so I can't post a link.

[67november]

since it is the season.

 

Her "T'was the Night before Christmas"

 

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;

I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.

This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.

They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need?!

 

My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.

The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;

frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

 

Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;

my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;

Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

 

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;

then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,

says, "What's taking so long ... aren't you through in here yet?"

 

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;

He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain

and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

 

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?

Oh darn it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,

but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

 

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?

If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;

It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

 

But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,

You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;

and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

[Guest pokey]

Ickabod & Stewnad rent plane to go moose hunting in the far out wilderness,

 

they trap 6 mooses, BUT? their pilot says they can only take 3 on the plane.

 

They convince pilot that last year the pilot they hired had same plane & allowed all 6 mooses.

 

They load up plane, & shortly after take off plane crashes.

 

Ickabod- "Stewnad ? any idea where we are?"

 

Stewnad-- "dunno, but looks awful lot like place we crashed last year"

[brushfire21]

I had this emailed to me, so I thought I would post it here...........

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Here's a helmet story from the infamous "Klank" on the JH forum. Enjoy!

 

There is a lot of talk about helmets on the forum, let me tell you about my little dilemma a few years back. My trusty old SPH-4 finally died and was laid to rest after a tragic garage backing incident. Looking for a replacement turned out to be quite an eye opener, I can’t believe how much these darn things cost, why the amount of beer that could be purchased for the cost of one helmet is staggering and quite frankly more than I can bare.

 

Having resided myself to just using the company provided headset I still feel somewhat uneasy about not having a helmet on the old noodle. (Not that there’s that much to protect) Going out to the beer fridge in the garage I gander at the broken body of my old friend when I have a revelation. (Yes you could actually see the light bulb above my head)

 

Digging through some of the old boxes in the garage, you know the ones that you move from place to place but never unpack because there’s nothing in them you need, I find my treasure. I pull out my high school football helmet and place it on the bench next to my broken comrade. Before I continue I must explain that, yes I did play high school, of course I played high school football, all real pilots played high school football. Now back to the resurrection.

 

With a fresh beer in one hand a screwdriver in the other I remember that vodka and beer gives me the runs so I set down my drinks and pick up my tools. This is going to work, the ear cups fit and the mike boom attached to the facemask with duct tape. The visor, what to do about the visor I ponder as I get another beer from the fridge, the beer fridge, my beer fridge that my wife will put leftovers in from time to time, man that makes me mad but what do we have here, colored plastic wrap? Wow when did they start doing that? I go to the pantry and I’ll be dipped in pickle juice, colored plastic wrap, I pull off a sheet and place it over the facemask, it sticks, cool. Now for the price of a roll of plastic wrap, some duct tape and a few bundle ties I have a new aviator helmet. Sometimes I wonder just how I got so smart, it really looks good and the more I drank the better it looked, I cant wait to get back on shift and try it out.

 

With my new prize in my helmet bag I go to work with a skip in my step just like a kid with a new toy. During my preflight I plug it in and talk to myself over the intercom, works great, and hang it on the hook, I’m ready for action.

 

It didn’t take long and the tone blasted, launch. With the helicopter started I look up at the medic and motion to pull the plug from the APU, she stands there with the deer in the headlights look, I motion again as she wakes up and pulls the plug, secures the door, and gets in. Nothing is said as we get to the pad and the crew gets out to go package. Sure is a nice day as I sit on the step on the side of the helicopter waiting for the crew. A short time later we are loaded and back in the air, and on our way. Landing at the big city hospital we are greeted by a security guard and two other hospital people waiting at the edge of the pad for the blades to stop. Doing the two-minute cool down thing I notice the people pointing, talking and pointing some more, I worry that there is something wrong with the helicopter but they all have smiles on their faces. I’ll do a good walk around when I get out and we get the patient going.

 

Ship looks great as the crew comes back out on the pad, the nurse walks straight to the nose and points to my helmet hanging on the hook. “What the heck is that”, just like my mother did when she found my porn stash when I was nine. “That’s my new helmet”, I said quite proudly as I was waiting for them to notice so I could show them what a pure genus can do. “You’re not wearing that thing”, she states quite boldly as I am now puzzled at her reaction. “And why not” I say in a confronting manner. “Its stupid and people are laughing at us she bellows”, “Stupid, I’ll tell you what stupid is, stupid is you walking around the hospital with your helmets on twenty minutes after we land”, (me laughing), “you should here what the staff says about you, now lets go”, I climb in and grab my helmet, CLEAR and off we go.

 

Not one word is said on the way back, we land and out they go to the quarters, that’s right, go sit on your eggs and light up those phone lines I think as now I have a full case of the ass. I need to cool down before I go in so I take advantage of a beautiful day and wash the helicopter. After about 45 minutes I go inside, both doors closed for their rooms and two phone lines lit, cluck, cluck, cluck, I smirk as I sit in the command central recliner and fire up the Mexican channel.

 

I must have dosed off as the phone ringing startled me, Klank, “line two” is bellowed down the hall a moment later, I bet this is going to be good. I just love talking to the area manager about self-induced medical crew crap. We dance back and forth for some time as the word Professional is bantered back and forth and I throw the when the company provides helmets I will be happy to wear it and the like, this continues for some time.

 

I stood my ground and actually wore him down; finally he says loudly Wear your darn helmet but, the shoulder pads have to go!

[rotarywing43]

Another SR-71 story is the blackbird pilot requests clearance to flight level 70. The controller asks how he plans on climbing to FL70 and the Pilot replied. "We don't plan on climbing to it. We want to descend DOWN to it!"

 

That was in Rod Machado's book! Except he said that the Blackbird pilot requested FL 850, and LA Center told them, "Hey, if you can get up to it, it's all yours!" To which the Blackbird pilot replies, "We'll be coming down to FL 850!"

[67november]

bump

[67november]

Not aviation, but very funny none the less

 

An original true story, written by a Battalion Fire Chief in a

Mississippi town.

 

EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH

 

I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a

residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

 

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and

slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot

out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

 

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when

it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was

no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over

animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should

pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

 

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of

themselves!

 

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing

on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve

in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible

second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel

for, 'Banzai!' or maybe, 'Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!' The

leap was nothing short of spectacular...

 

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely

in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I

would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the

attack.

 

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of

activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding

gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry

little tornado was doing some damage!

 

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in

jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a

quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

 

 

And losing...

 

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally

managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent

off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I

recoiled from the throw.

 

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It

really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the

pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have

headed home.

 

No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel.

 

This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

 

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

 

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and,

with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump

and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his

rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed

to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved.

 

Not improved at all.

 

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was

startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw,

only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my

jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and

into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can

only have one result.

 

TORQUE.

 

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

 

The squirrel screamed in anger.

 

The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.

 

I screamed in . well .. I just plain screamed.

 

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in

jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove

and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet

residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his

back.

 

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

 

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on

the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

 

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really

did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car.

 

Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain

was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it

had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

 

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient

attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI

attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my

full-face helmet with me.

 

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am

quite sure my screaming changed intensity.

 

It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon

maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the mom ent),so her

front end started to drop.

 

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in

jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,

roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy

squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By

now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

 

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again,

pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I

could. This time it worked... sort of.

 

Spectacularly sort of ..so to speak.

 

Picture a new scene.

 

You are a cop.

 

You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and

parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

 

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in

jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one

leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming

bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel

grenade directly into your police car.

 

I heard screams.

 

They weren't mine...

 

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front

wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop

in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.

 

I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back). I really

would have.

 

Really...

 

Except for two things.

 

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned

about me at the mom ent. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of

the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was

on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly

moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was

standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

 

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to 'let the

professionals handle it' anyway.

 

That was one thing.

 

The other?

 

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and

upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel

in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.

 

That is one dangerous squirrel.

 

And now he has a patrol car.

 

A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.

 

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn

off of Brice Street , and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it

was b est to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of

Band-Aids.

[rotorrodent]

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a cross country flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed in front of him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips.” The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Sh*t, me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

 

My wife is a hostie! This is priceless!

 

Rotorrodent

[1badz32]

MY EX-WIFE, THE PILOT

 

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

 

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

 

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating)..

 

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

 

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft..

 

She was really lucky.

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