Fresh Meat

[Klank]

Fresh Meat

 

New hire training to me is like to Christmas to kids and I’m not talking about pilots either. I always enjoy seeing the new herd, eager to please and yearning to become a Flight Nurse/Medic. I’m not trying to criticize them as I see this as a pinnacle position in their career and I do not envy them their task. This is not what I plan on talking about in today’s lesson.

 

For me it’s more like, keep her, her and her, and dump him, him, and what ever the heck that is. I use the simple time tested rules of the Doability Factor.

 

The Doability Factor has been handed down from generations of men throughout the ages. The last time any major change was made to the Doability Factor was back when the cave men invented alcohol by fermenting berries in a pig belly with fresh dinosaur poop.

 

When men are young the DF is as simple as a scale of one thru ten but when boys become men the DF becomes much more complicated. One reason for this is the fact that boys want to tell all their buddies about everything from a stinky finger to actually getting some and although most of it is a lie, they can only talk about girls with a high DF or they will be shunned and taunted by their friends. (Of course these same friends are now planning to do the same girl since she puts out)

 

Now for men the DF is a scale of plus one thru ten and also a minus one thru ten with a multiplier of alcohol and a separate scale for when people you know will see you and also the one we use for when we are out of town and plan to never return to an area for at least 27 years.

 

I know the women reading this are all saying there goes that stupid Klank again all the time thinking “I wonder what my DF is?” Don’t try to hide it because we (men) all know that you have no choice but to think it because you are women.

 

Let me try to explain how the DF works. First of all if you have a low DF, don’t worry, your still going to get some because no woman is undoable. Janet Reno has a DF of minus ten, now put a guy in the out of town at night scale at a motel bar, multiply the DF by a factor of two bottles of tequila. Now if you do the math, Janet’s new DF is still minus ten but she has a chance if she pays for the room and wears a mask.

 

Ok, back to the new hire line up, I have been lucky from time to time to see the whole lineup in both the pre-training and also the who’s left on the post-training aspect. You are assigned a DF immediately by who ever is the first pilot (the scout) to see you, your DF is immediately transmitted electronically by telephonic or email communications and also by radio to those pilots on a flight at the time. Some of you who have been around might have heard these transmitted in code. N1234 this is ATA, stand by for DF. ATA this is N1234 go ahead. Delta Foxtrot seven seven-ninner fife four at one hundred eighty degrees tree over.

 

The code: ATA is All Titties Assessed

 

All numbers that follow Delta Foxtrot (Doability Factor) are positive numbers and also give the quantity of women

 

All numbers after 180 degrees (south) are negative numbers

 

Tree-3

Fife-5

Ninner-9

 

After training for those that are left you are reevaluated as you go to the bases for the next step in your training. These evaluations take more time and are based on several factors.

 

How you are dressed when you come in for work, high marks are given for tight revealing clothes that are on the slutty side without going overboard

 

Willingness to talk about sex and or talk dirty, you can self-evaluate by how many naps the pilot takes with the door locked. Bonus points will be given for all drunken college stories involving any experimental lesbian sex.

 

How you dress after hours and on weather days, you should dress like you would at home alone with as little as possible, tee shirt, no bra, tight thin shorts or just your panties and barefoot, just remember we are all adults here.

 

Try to offer as few opinions as possible on issues you are not knowledgeable about like helicopters, cars, politics, beer, football, and so on

 

Have your Victoria Secrets catalogue delivered straight to the base, we have three come every month now but four would be better.

 

Your revised DF will also be transmitted throughout the company, try for a high DF; it will benefit your base and your pilot. When I need time off and need someone to cover a shift, your DF will help me (or hurt if low) in negotiations for a relief pilot.

 

Don’t be surprised if your DF goes down over time as we get to know you, it’s normal, kind of like the DF on your wife

 

A few more notes before I rap this up, my favorite time on the job is when I get a new young medic with a high DF and she is working with an experienced slightly older nurse that also has a high DF. First a new medic actually has some respect for and is also a little in aw of the pilot; I like this, heck I normally don’t even fart in front of the new girl the first day. The other thing I like is now the nurse seeing the new meat getting all the attention actually get a little jealous and has to try a little harder, this is when the after hours clothing goes to a new level and also she treats the new girl like sh1t. I liken this to a women’s prison movie, cool huh.