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Essay Critiquing needed BE HONEST!

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Below is my new and improved essay. I believe this is what I'm going to submit. Please go all out on critiquing it.



Why I Want to Be an Army Aviator

Being an Army aviator doesn’t just mean flying the world’s most complex aircraft; it means being the one that is called whenever our nation's soldiers need air support when the odds are against them. I had the opportunity to see my first airframe at the age of ten. It was exhilarating, and that level of excitement has stuck with me for the last eight years! Having the fortune of growing up near Fort Rucker, I have spoken with many soldiers and aviators. From these conversations, I discovered there is a common character trait in Army aviators--the drive for excellence. Two years ago, I made the decision to passionately pursue Army Aviation as my career choice. It is my ambition to become the best Army aviator I can.

 I joined my high school's NJROTC unit and took advantage of every opportunity to lead and aid my community. As John Maxwell put it, "Leadership is influence." I volunteered over 300 hours during my high school career to help my neighborhood and school while also volunteering for leadership positions wherever possible. I was awarded the AMVETS ROTC Recognition Award for diligence in the discharge of duties. My orienteering team won 4th place overall at the Area 8 Orienteering Championship under my command. While continuing to work hard, I was selected to become the Command Master Chief of my NJROTC unit. Through this course of action, I was able to successfully lead my unit and motivate all of my cadets to be the best they could be while I still maintained a 3.7 GPA.

Along with always seeking to develop myself as a leader, I am technologically proficient. Throughout my entire childhood, I grew up around computers and loved anything with a computer chip. In my senior year of high school, I took a computer science class that taught me a lot about modern technology; I finished at the top of the class with a 4.0 GPA. About a year ago I had the opportunity to fly in a virtual simulator at Fort Rucker. This experience was the defining moment that brought together my love for flying and technology. That short time in the simulator strengthened my commitment and was the critical decision point at which I decided I wouldn't accept anything less than a career as an Army aviator.

My childhood, high school experiences, and interviews with various soldiers and aviators shaped me into the young man I am today. Without my father in the picture, I had to push myself extremely hard to be who I wanted to be. As a result, I am a hardworking, adaptable leader who hopes to join the Army and earn the prestigious title of Army Aviator.

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