WOFT Essay Feedback

[snelson]

Hey all, 

I am working on my "Why I want to be an Army WOFT Aviator" essay and would love some feedback. I recently passed the SIFT and have my flight physical in mid January with a target for boards in March. Here is my essay so far.

Why I want to be an Army WOFT Aviator

Over the past fifteen years as an adult, my life experiences have shaped me into the hardworking, determined man I am today. I own a successful drone company, am a realtor, am a supervisor at a distilling company, and run a photo booth at weddings. I'm a well-traveled backpacker and an avid scuba diver. A year ago, my son was born.  That event shifted my priorities and I began to look at the Army as my career path. I want something more for myself and my family, to be a part of something larger and serve my country. I want to be an Army Aviator because I know that to be the most challenging and fulfilling career.

Joining the Army and becoming a rotary-wing aviator would be the greatest accomplishment of my life. I enjoy working with teams to solve challenging tasks. I am a great critical thinker and problem solver, and my experience as a supervisor of a fast-paced warehouse has tested and proven those qualities. In that role, I learned about leadership, task management, maintaining deadlines, and interpreting and integrating upper management’s directives. I am a very detail-oriented person. With my drone company, I plan flight paths and shoot to maximize safety and efficiency at a job site.

Becoming a US Army Aviator will make me the best version of myself and allow me to provide the life and opportunities to my family that they deserve. My knowledge and experience will provide the Army with a consummate professional ready to accomplish and excel at all duties.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Shane Nelson
 

[Eeyore]

I'd try to focus on your audience needs a little more, make sure they're aware that you will be there for the long haul. Tell them how you have the values of a war fighter. Any of your family prior service? Do you share those values? They don't just want 10 years, they want folks that will be career force multipliers. High ROI individuals. Retirement career minded people who have a passion for the Aviation Warfighter career and lifestyle. They're aware you will be fulfilled and enjoy the role just like all of us will but they need absolute assurance you will be worth the initial investment. Best of luck.