War Stories with Klank

[Klank]

Teresa Heinz Ketchup Kerry Kennedy Rather said she wouldn't be surprised if we got Osama Bin Laden by Election Day.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he appeared in the next month," said Heinz Kerry, alluding to a possible capture by United States and allied forces before Election Day.

Now I know it's clear why she made the statement just like when Madeline Albright made the comment about "What if we already had him and are waiting to bring him out for the biggest political gain"

Well girls, guess what? Although you are just partisan patsies and have no clue what you are saying, you hit the nail on the head, here's what happened:

Last spring some of you might remember my absence from the forum, my cover story was that I was drunk and in jail (again) well that wasn't quite true. You also might remember that I was a member of an elite secret unit when I was in the military TOPOPSPECBETTACAPPA and flew the OH-58 Twin (also secret). This is the type of unit is one that you never really get out of and last spring I was recalled for a specific mission, code name, "Stinky Weasel"

OP SPEC.......STINKY WEASEL........MOST SECRET.......

Self deploy under darkness from secret undisclosed location, utilize in-flight refueling and deploy to Afghanistan, Tora Tora reign, infiltrate and capture OBL, return to States and await further orders.........

 

So there I was, knee deep in a 30 pack when the CIA helicopter lands in my back yard, after some debate, I was drafted and off we went to a secret undisclosed location. Almost sober I receive my briefing and prepare my aircraft. Armament is light as this is a covert in and out mission, good more room for fuel and supplies, remembering my last non-stop flight to Panama and how fast the Slim Jims ran out I ordered four Philly Cheese Steak pizzas from Dominos to sustain me in my flight.

 

It's "Go Time" as I strap in and prepare to light the engines. (I still don't know why that in the military we have to prepare to do everything, "Prepare to march" Prepare to stop" Prepare to sh*t) I ask the OPS SPEC OIC (code name Stinky Finger) for any last minute update as my orders are quite vague and all he will say is that I will be briefed when I meet up with my contacts on the other side.

 

Number one lit, two comes alive and into the night I go, flying a mag compass from the states to Afghanistan really sucks, when I asked for a GPS they said it cost to much and they really thought that I wouldn't make it anyway so the mechanic took it out for his fishing boat. (Well at least I can respect that) Long flight, Pizza/coffee farts over the Atlantic, what did I ever do to deserve this, after several in-flight fuelings I am getting close to the LZ.

 

There it is, it must be, good camouflage, cammo netting with a big 7-11 sign over the tent; finally I'm on the ground again. I get the blades stopped as quick as possible because it's scaring the goats, I can't move as I motion to the guys to help me out of the ship, now get this, these guys have been in the desert for months living with goats and no showers and when they get up to the ship they have the nerve to say "####, what the #### have you been eating you rotten Bastard"

 

It took some time to get the feeling back in my legs and butt and after a healthy dump down wind of the camp I got to the TOC under the 7-11 sign for my briefing. "So how are you going to do it?" says the OIC as I walk in the tent, "I was told that you were going to give me the plan when I got here" I replied with a puzzled look on my face. "Well Sierra Foxtrot (Stinky Finger) said not to waste to much time on a plan as you were probably not going to make it anyway, the only reason you were picked for this mission is that his sister is a 250 pound flight nurse and you really piss her off with your stories. All I can tell you is that OBL is up in a cave somewhere in the mountain range." "How many men do I get?" I ask still in disbelief of all that has happened. "Well that might be a problem, Bill has to take care of the goats and the rest of us were going to the USO show so I guess that just leaves you"

 

So there you have it, no plan, no support I think to myself as I walk back to my ship. #### I might as well go home, how in the #### can I go into the mountains undetected, infiltrate the cave, capture OLB and get out. I open the door of my ship and right they're staring me in the face is the answer, now I have "The Plan."

 

Back in the TOC I brief the men on my plan, comments ranged from "Let's roll one from your bag because you obviously have the good stuff" to "Has your cheese totally slipped off your cracker" Unswayed from their negative comments I prepare (there's that word again) to put my plan into action.

 

Step one: Getting through the mountains and into the cave undetected.

 

I borrow some local garb, Arab looking bathrobe and a towel that I place on my head, I cut out two of the Dominos Pizza logo's from an empty pizza box and place one on each side of the towel. Now I am like the chameleon, invisible to the predators. Grabbing another pizza box I set out on my quest through the mountains to find my objective. After several days of knocking on caves and asking the locals for Osama's address, I got it.

 

Approaching the cave I feel as if I'm being watched, I see shadows behind the rocks as I get to the entrance and prepare (#### there it is again) to knock. As I raise my hand I hear several AK-47's chambering rounds, within seconds multiple rifles are inches from my head. One of the goat smelling ragheads with a gun says something in Arab gobblygook as I thing speaking the language might really help right now. "Pizza, Pizza" I loudly state for all to hear in keeping with the fearless Pizza Dud mystique. "Pizza?" one of the inbreed camel pokers says as they look at each other, "Look I got it right here, someone at this address ordered a pizza eight months ago, now don't jack me around, #### the guy in the cave just twenty miles over there offered me double for it. So what's it going to be, I haven't got all night, my donkey is double parked just down the mountain"

 

They look at each other as I try to maintain my composure; they look back at me as I think I might really be screwed now, the rifles are raised back even closer to my head. I look down at the box, seeing a piece of paper stuck to the box it dawns on me, "You Bastards are going to stiff me" I yell as I'm really getting pissed. "I got coupons you left handed ass wiper, stiff me and they are worthless" "Ah Coupons!" they cheer, "Allah be praised" they chant as they pat me on the back, smile and dance. "That will be $953.38 American," I state as I keep a good grip on the box. A blank look come across their faces when one states "Osama", they cheer again and guide me deep into the cave. After several minutes I'm taken into a chamber and there before me is the most wanted man on the planet. I'm not sure what I expected but an old looking man pulling his finger out of his nose and eating a booger was not it. Step one complete.

 

Step Two: Get OBL out of the cave and back to the LZ.

 

I approach this hollow shell of a man and hold out the box, "$953.38". I look around the chamber that we are in and every single guard and person in the whole complex is there staring at him with hope in their eyes. He leans forward and pulls out his wallet and after fumbling for a short time he says in broken English "All I got is a thousand". "How about something for the little guy" I exclaim as I hold up my hand and rub my fingers together. "No, No, Change" he whines as he is falling for the plan. I set down the Pizza and take the bill as everyone in the room lunges forward towards the box sitting on the rock. "I have to get change from the cashbox on my donkey, I'll be back in a few minutes" "No, No, I come too" the scrawny fart states as he stands up. He mumbles something to the people in the room and with their reply of "Oh No" I assume he said something like "You bastards better not touch that pizza" Step Two Complete

 

Getting back to the LZ and stuffing that bastard in the baggage compartment, I complete my mission and return to the states. Yes I got the SOB and he is currently in the Maximum Security room (the room that we put the extra beer in with the paddle lock) at the PAYME Union Corporate Headquarters (my garage) and yes Teresa Heinz Ketchup Kerry Kennedy Rather I will release him when the Commander and Chief or my wife tells me too.

 

Official Documents of Operation Stinky Weasel can be obtained through the Freedom of Information Act via CBS News, allow two to four weeks for the documents to be created

[flingwing206]

Well you told us, now do you have to kill us? :cool:

[RDRickster]

LMAO... best one, yet (if you're a vet).   :laugh:

[Klank]

LMAO... best one, yet (if you're a vet).   :laugh:

I am a twice, almost decorated combat vet

[NavyBlue007]

FREAKIN HILARIOUS

[Heli-Ops]

Klank - You never cease to amaze me  ::clap::  ::clap::

 

Heli Ops :cool: