Chopperjess Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 Taken from another helicopter forum I frequent! Enjoy! > RULES OF HELICOPTER FLYING > Written by: David Berry > Nationally Syndicated columnist > > TODAY’S AVIATION TOPIC IS: How to fly a helicopter. > Although flying a helicopter may seem very difficult,> the truth is that if you can drive a car, you can,> with just a few minutes of instruction, take the> controls of one of these amazing machines. Of course> you would immediately crash and die. This is why you> need to remember: > > RULE ONE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Always have somebody> sitting right next to you who actually knows how to> fly the helicopter and can snatch the controls away> from you. Because the truth is that helicopters are> nothing at all like cars. Cars work because of basic> scientific principles that everybody understands, such> as internal combustion and parallel parking. Whereas> scientists still have no idea what holds helicopters> up. "Whatever it is, it could stop at any moment," is> their current feeling. > > RULE TWO OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Maybe you should> forget the entire thing. This was what I was thinking> on a recent Saturday morning as I stood outside a> small airport in South Florida, where I was about to> take my first helicopter lesson. This was not my idea. > This was the idea of Pam Gallina-Raisstguier, who> flies radio reporters over Miami during rush hour so> they can alert drivers to traffic problems ("Bob, we> have a three-mile backup on the interstate due to an> overturned cocaine truck"). Pam is active in an> international organization of women helicopter pilots> called (Gloria Steinem; avert your eyes) the "Whirly> Girls. " She thought it would be a great idea for me to> take a helicopter lesson. I began having severe doubts> when I saw Pam’s helicopter. This was a small> helicopter. It looked like it should have a little> slot where you insert quarters to make it go up and> down. I knew that if we got airborne in a helicopter> this size in South Florida , some of our larger> tropical flying insects could very well attempt to> mate with us. Also, this helicopter had no doors. As> a Frequent Flyer, I know for a fact that all your> leading U.S. airlines, despite being bankrupt,> maintain a strict safety policy of having doors on> their aircraft. "Don’t we need a larger helicopter?" I> asked Pam. "With doors?" "Get in." said Pam. You> don’t defy a direct order from a Whirly Girl. Now> we’re in the helicopter, and Pam is explaining the> controls to me over the headset, but there’s static> and the engine is making a lot of noise. "your> throttle (something)," she is saying. "This is your> cyclic and (something) your collective. " "What?" I> say. "(something) give you the controls when we reach> 500 feet," Pam says. "What?" I say. But Pam is not> listening. She is moving a control thing and> WHOOOOAAAAAA we are shooting up in the air, and there> are still no doors on this particular helicopter. Now> Pam is giving me the main control thing. > > RULE THREE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: If anybody tries to> give you the main control thing, refuse to take it. > Pam says: "You don’t need hardly any pressure to... "> AIEEEEEEEEEEE "That was too much pressure," Pam says. > Now I am flying the helicopter. I AM FLYING THE> HELICOPTER. I am flying it by not moving a single body> part, for fear of jiggling the control thing. I look> like the Lincoln Memorial statue of Abraham Lincoln,> only more rigid. "Make a right turn," Pam is saying. I> gingerly move the control thing one zillionth of an> inch to the right and helicopter LEANS OVER TOWARD MY> SIDE AND THERE IS STILL NO DOOR HERE. I instantly move> the thing one zillionth of an inch back. "I’m not> turning right." I inform Pam. "What?" she says. "Only> left turns." I tell her. When you’ve been flying> helicopters as long as I have, you know your limits. > After a while it become clear to Pam that if she> continues to allow the Lincoln statue to pilot the> helicopter, we are going to wind up flying in a> straight line until we run out of fuel, possibly over> Antarctica, so she takes the control thing back. That> is good news. The bad news is, she’s now saying> something about demonstrating an "emergency> procedure. " "It’s for when your engine dies," Pam> says. "It’s called ’auto-rotation’. " Do you like> amusement park rides?" I say: "No, I> DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOnnnnnnnnn’t". > > RULE FOUR OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: "Auto-rotation"> means "coming down out of the sky at about the same> speed and aerodynamic stability as that of a forklift> dropped from a bomber. "Now we’re close to the ground> (although my stomach is still at 500 feet), and Pam is> completing my training by having me hover the> helicopter. > > RULE FIVE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: You can’t hover the> helicopter. The idea is to hang over one spot on the> ground. I am hovering over an area approximately the> size of Australia . I am swooping around sideways and> backward like a crazed bumblebee. If I were trying to> rescue a person from the roof of a 100-story burning> building, the person would realize that it would be> safer to simply jump. At times I think I am hovering> upside-down. Even Pam looks nervous. So I am very> happy when we finally get back on the ground. Pam> tells me I did great, and she’d be glad to take me up> again. I tell her that sounds like a fun idea. > > RULE SIX OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Sometimes you have to lie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelFire_91 Posted July 2, 2008 Report Share Posted July 2, 2008 I was laughing most of the way through that... Thanks, I needed a good laugh for the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JDHelicopterPilot Posted July 2, 2008 Report Share Posted July 2, 2008 Now that was a good rendition of a first fight. Ahh the memories it brings back to me. I was laughing the whole time. Thanks!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyle Davis Posted July 2, 2008 Report Share Posted July 2, 2008 hahaha! perfect! i felt like i was reading a story about my first flight 2 months ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross85 Posted September 2, 2008 Report Share Posted September 2, 2008 HAHA that was well done Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeloJunkie Posted September 3, 2008 Report Share Posted September 3, 2008 OMG - I love the mating bug part !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly N. Posted September 3, 2008 Report Share Posted September 3, 2008 That was too funny. Definitely a one for the archives Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FLHooker Posted September 3, 2008 Report Share Posted September 3, 2008 Yes, very good story!! I also was laughing... I like the part about the autorotation... having auto'd a 47. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tawler Posted September 12, 2008 Report Share Posted September 12, 2008 pure gold and so true. hahahaha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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