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Chopperjess

How to fly a helicopter

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Taken from another helicopter forum I frequent! Enjoy!

 

 

 

> RULES OF HELICOPTER FLYING

> Written by: David Berry

> Nationally Syndicated columnist

>

> TODAY’S AVIATION TOPIC IS: How to fly a helicopter.

 

 

 

 

 

> Although flying a helicopter may seem very difficult,

> the truth is that if you can drive a car, you can,

> with just a few minutes of instruction, take the

> controls of one of these amazing machines.

 

 

 

 

Of course

> you would immediately crash and die.

 

 

 

 

This is why you

> need to remember:

>

> RULE ONE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Always have somebody

> sitting right next to you who actually knows how to

> fly the helicopter and can snatch the controls away

> from you.

 

 

 

 

Because the truth is that helicopters are

> nothing at all like cars.

 

 

 

 

Cars work because of basic

> scientific principles that everybody understands, such

> as internal combustion and parallel parking.

 

 

 

 

Whereas

> scientists still have no idea what holds helicopters

> up.

 

 

 

 

"Whatever it is, it could stop at any moment," is

> their current feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

>

> RULE TWO OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Maybe you should

> forget the entire thing.

 

 

 

 

This was what I was thinking

> on a recent Saturday morning as I stood outside a

> small airport in South Florida, where I was about to

> take my first helicopter lesson. This was not my idea.

 

 

 

 

 

> This was the idea of Pam Gallina-Raisstguier, who

> flies radio reporters over Miami during rush hour so

> they can alert drivers to traffic problems ("Bob, we

> have a three-mile backup on the interstate due to an

> overturned cocaine truck").

 

 

 

 

Pam is active in an

> international organization of women helicopter pilots

> called (Gloria Steinem; avert your eyes) the "Whirly

> Girls.

 

 

 

 

" She thought it would be a great idea for me to

> take a helicopter lesson.

 

 

 

 

I began having severe doubts

> when I saw Pam’s helicopter.

 

 

 

 

This was a small

> helicopter.

 

 

 

 

It looked like it should have a little

> slot where you insert quarters to make it go up and

> down.

 

 

 

 

I knew that if we got airborne in a helicopter

> this size in South Florida , some of our larger

> tropical flying insects could very well attempt to

> mate with us. Also, this helicopter had no doors.

 

 

 

 

As

> a Frequent Flyer, I know for a fact that all your

> leading U.S.

 

 

 

 

airlines, despite being bankrupt,

> maintain a strict safety policy of having doors on

> their aircraft.

 

 

 

 

"Don’t we need a larger helicopter?" I

> asked Pam. "With doors?" "Get in." said Pam.

 

 

 

 

You

> don’t defy a direct order from a Whirly Girl.

 

 

 

 

Now

> we’re in the helicopter, and Pam is explaining the

> controls to me over the headset, but there’s static

> and the engine is making a lot of noise.

 

 

 

 

"your

> throttle (something)," she is saying.

 

 

 

 

"This is your

> cyclic and (something) your collective.

 

 

 

 

" "What?" I

> say.

 

 

 

 

"(something) give you the controls when we reach

> 500 feet," Pam says. "What?" I say.

 

 

 

 

But Pam is not

> listening.

 

 

 

 

She is moving a control thing and

> WHOOOOAAAAAA we are shooting up in the air, and there

> are still no doors on this particular helicopter.

 

 

 

 

Now

> Pam is giving me the main control thing.

 

 

 

 

 

>

> RULE THREE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: If anybody tries to

> give you the main control thing, refuse to take it.

 

 

 

 

 

> Pam says: "You don’t need hardly any pressure to... "

> AIEEEEEEEEEEE "That was too much pressure," Pam says.

 

 

 

 

 

> Now I am flying the helicopter.

 

 

 

 

I AM FLYING THE

> HELICOPTER.

 

 

 

 

I am flying it by not moving a single body

> part, for fear of jiggling the control thing.

 

 

 

 

I look

> like the Lincoln Memorial statue of Abraham Lincoln,

> only more rigid. "Make a right turn," Pam is saying.

 

 

 

 

I

> gingerly move the control thing one zillionth of an

> inch to the right and helicopter LEANS OVER TOWARD MY

> SIDE AND THERE IS STILL NO DOOR HERE.

 

 

 

 

I instantly move

> the thing one zillionth of an inch back.

 

 

 

 

"I’m not

> turning right." I inform Pam. "What?" she says.

 

 

 

 

"Only

> left turns." I tell her.

 

 

 

 

When you’ve been flying

> helicopters as long as I have, you know your limits.

 

 

 

 

 

> After a while it become clear to Pam that if she

> continues to allow the Lincoln statue to pilot the

> helicopter, we are going to wind up flying in a

> straight line until we run out of fuel, possibly over

> Antarctica, so she takes the control thing back.

 

 

 

 

That

> is good news.

 

 

 

 

The bad news is, she’s now saying

> something about demonstrating an "emergency

> procedure.

 

 

 

 

" "It’s for when your engine dies," Pam

> says. "It’s called ’auto-rotation’.

 

 

 

 

" Do you like

> amusement park rides?" I say: "No, I

> DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOnnnnnnnnn’t".

 

 

 

 

 

>

> RULE FOUR OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: "Auto-rotation"

> means "coming down out of the sky at about the same

> speed and aerodynamic stability as that of a forklift

> dropped from a bomber.

 

 

 

 

"Now we’re close to the ground

> (although my stomach is still at 500 feet), and Pam is

> completing my training by having me hover the

> helicopter.

 

 

 

 

 

>

> RULE FIVE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: You can’t hover the

> helicopter.

 

 

 

 

The idea is to hang over one spot on the

> ground.

 

 

 

 

I am hovering over an area approximately the

> size of Australia .

 

 

 

 

I am swooping around sideways and

> backward like a crazed bumblebee.

 

 

 

 

If I were trying to

> rescue a person from the roof of a 100-story burning

> building, the person would realize that it would be

> safer to simply jump.

 

 

 

 

At times I think I am hovering

> upside-down. Even Pam looks nervous.

 

 

 

 

So I am very

> happy when we finally get back on the ground.

 

 

 

 

Pam

> tells me I did great, and she’d be glad to take me up

> again. I tell her that sounds like a fun idea.

 

 

 

 

 

>

> RULE SIX OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Sometimes you have to lie.

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Now that was a good rendition of a first fight. Ahh the memories it brings back to me. I was laughing the whole time. Thanks!!!

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That was too funny. Definitely a one for the archives :D

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Yes, very good story!! I also was laughing...

 

 

I like the part about the autorotation... having auto'd a 47.

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