woft essay WOFT Essay/ Critique Help

[Greymort]

I'm looking for some feedback on my WOFT essay that I wrote. Its only the first draft but I need brutal honesty. If its complete garbage or not what the board is looking for I need to know. 

I'm pretty new to the army and am a pfc in the infantry at the moment. I've completed a year training cycle with my unit and have been to JROTC. Ill be going to air assault soon to be more competitive with my woft packet. Most of my experience is outside the army. I'm 30 years old with a lot of experience with other jobs.

 

Why I want to be a Warrant Officer

 

               Stagnation is my greatest fear. It is because of this fear that I have decided to join the Army and pursue my goal of being A Warrant Officer. The way that I stave off my fear of stagnation is though constantly bettering myself and those around me both professionally and personally. Earning my Eagle Scout and serving an honorable two-year service Mission for my church coincide with my professional goal of being an Army Aviator. I am confident that my strong work ethic, leadership skills, moral character, and determined spirit will motivate others around me to be the best version of themselves.

               In my career as an Aerospace Hydraulic Systems Tester, I was an expert on technically-complex machinery that left no room for error. On a normal day, we worked on millions of dollars worth of equipment. Because of this, tight deadlines and constant demand, we were under a lot of pressure. My decisions and attention to detail directly impacted mission outcomes. To date, I have maintained a 100% zero-incidence safety and completion record. Through my dedication and drive, I was consistently the top employee for four years who trained and managed over 20 others.

               I am ready to take on the challenge of becoming a leader and aviator without reservation. If selected for this opportunity, I will build upon my leadership skills, continue to refine my adaptability, and turn into an excellent asset for the Army. I will serve alongside my fellow soldiers with integrity, respect and honor. I will lead by example and bring my work-ethic and dedication. My passion for aviation and service will continue to motivate me to push myself. Lastly, the sacrifices I will make will be worth protecting the freedoms that I, and others in this country enjoy.