Chopperjess Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Taken from another helicopter forum I frequent! Enjoy! > RULES OF HELICOPTER FLYING > Written by: David Berry > Nationally Syndicated columnist > > TODAY’S AVIATION TOPIC IS: How to fly a helicopter. > Although flying a helicopter may seem very difficult,> the truth is that if you can drive a car, you can,> with just a few minutes of instruction, take the> controls of one of these amazing machines. Of course> you would immediately crash and die. This is why you> need to remember: > > RULE ONE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Always have somebody> sitting right next to you who actually knows how to> fly the helicopter and can snatch the controls away> from you. Because the truth is that helicopters are> nothing at all like cars. Cars work because of basic> scientific principles that everybody understands, such> as internal combustion and parallel parking. Whereas> scientists still have no idea what holds helicopters> up. "Whatever it is, it could stop at any moment," is> their current feeling. > > RULE TWO OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Maybe you should> forget the entire thing. This was what I was thinking> on a recent Saturday morning as I stood outside a> small airport in South Florida, where I was about to> take my first helicopter lesson. This was not my idea. > This was the idea of Pam Gallina-Raisstguier, who> flies radio reporters over Miami during rush hour so> they can alert drivers to traffic problems ("Bob, we> have a three-mile backup on the interstate due to an> overturned cocaine truck"). Pam is active in an> international organization of women helicopter pilots> called (Gloria Steinem; avert your eyes) the "Whirly> Girls. " She thought it would be a great idea for me to> take a helicopter lesson. I began having severe doubts> when I saw Pam’s helicopter. This was a small> helicopter. It looked like it should have a little> slot where you insert quarters to make it go up and> down. I knew that if we got airborne in a helicopter> this size in South Florida , some of our larger> tropical flying insects could very well attempt to> mate with us. Also, this helicopter had no doors. As> a Frequent Flyer, I know for a fact that all your> leading U.S. airlines, despite being bankrupt,> maintain a strict safety policy of having doors on> their aircraft. "Don’t we need a larger helicopter?" I> asked Pam. "With doors?" "Get in." said Pam. You> don’t defy a direct order from a Whirly Girl. Now> we’re in the helicopter, and Pam is explaining the> controls to me over the headset, but there’s static> and the engine is making a lot of noise. "your> throttle (something)," she is saying. "This is your> cyclic and (something) your collective. " "What?" I> say. "(something) give you the controls when we reach> 500 feet," Pam says. "What?" I say. But Pam is not> listening. She is moving a control thing and> WHOOOOAAAAAA we are shooting up in the air, and there> are still no doors on this particular helicopter. Now> Pam is giving me the main control thing. > > RULE THREE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: If anybody tries to> give you the main control thing, refuse to take it. > Pam says: "You don’t need hardly any pressure to... "> AIEEEEEEEEEEE "That was too much pressure," Pam says. > Now I am flying the helicopter. I AM FLYING THE> HELICOPTER. I am flying it by not moving a single body> part, for fear of jiggling the control thing. I look> like the Lincoln Memorial statue of Abraham Lincoln,> only more rigid. "Make a right turn," Pam is saying. I> gingerly move the control thing one zillionth of an> inch to the right and helicopter LEANS OVER TOWARD MY> SIDE AND THERE IS STILL NO DOOR HERE. I instantly move> the thing one zillionth of an inch back. "I’m not> turning right." I inform Pam. "What?" she says. "Only> left turns." I tell her. When you’ve been flying> helicopters as long as I have, you know your limits. > After a while it become clear to Pam that if she> continues to allow the Lincoln statue to pilot the> helicopter, we are going to wind up flying in a> straight line until we run out of fuel, possibly over> Antarctica, so she takes the control thing back. That> is good news. The bad news is, she’s now saying> something about demonstrating an "emergency> procedure. " "It’s for when your engine dies," Pam> says. "It’s called ’auto-rotation’. " Do you like> amusement park rides?" I say: "No, I> DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOnnnnnnnnn’t". > > RULE FOUR OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: "Auto-rotation"> means "coming down out of the sky at about the same> speed and aerodynamic stability as that of a forklift> dropped from a bomber. "Now we’re close to the ground> (although my stomach is still at 500 feet), and Pam is> completing my training by having me hover the> helicopter. > > RULE FIVE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: You can’t hover the> helicopter. The idea is to hang over one spot on the> ground. I am hovering over an area approximately the> size of Australia . I am swooping around sideways and> backward like a crazed bumblebee. If I were trying to> rescue a person from the roof of a 100-story burning> building, the person would realize that it would be> safer to simply jump. At times I think I am hovering> upside-down. Even Pam looks nervous. So I am very> happy when we finally get back on the ground. Pam> tells me I did great, and she’d be glad to take me up> again. I tell her that sounds like a fun idea. > > RULE SIX OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Sometimes you have to lie. Quote
AngelFire_91 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I was laughing most of the way through that... Thanks, I needed a good laugh for the day. Quote
JDHelicopterPilot Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Now that was a good rendition of a first fight. Ahh the memories it brings back to me. I was laughing the whole time. Thanks!!! Quote
Kyle Davis Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 hahaha! perfect! i felt like i was reading a story about my first flight 2 months ago. Quote
HeloJunkie Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 OMG - I love the mating bug part !! Quote
Kelly N. Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 That was too funny. Definitely a one for the archives Quote
FLHooker Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Yes, very good story!! I also was laughing... I like the part about the autorotation... having auto'd a 47. Quote
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