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All,

 

I am a civilian with no prior military experience currently working on my WOFT packet. Can someone tell me if I am on the right track with my WOFT essay? I wrote this early on so I can revise it over time and am checking to see if this is on the right track to a solid essay.

Trying to keep it down to 3 concise paragraphs per some of the helpful information found throughout this great forum. Its in very rough form so I am hoping to continue working on it.

 

Thanks in advance for your evaluation.

 

"Why I Want to be an Army Aviator"

 

As a Warrant Officer and Army Aviator, my leadership, communication, and technical abilities paired with a passion for education and strong values will serve the Army in all missions in which I am involved. I want to be an Army Aviator because the Army’s core values resonate deeply with my own and I believe this position will enable me to flourish as a leader, soldier, and a technical expert. Not to mention, piloting an aircraft for the U.S. Army is highly exciting to me and will fulfill my childhood dream of operating in the sky.

 

Throughout the process of becoming a black belt in Taekwondo I founded my own core values. Loyalty and respect for my instructors as well as honor for the culture of my art form came first. Eventually, I founded the Junior instructor program of the American Taekwondo Association in my town and became a leader and a role model. Providing my peers a direct path to leadership gave me a valuable sense of honor, pride and great personal fulfillment. As a Warrant Officer I will be loyal to the United States Army, implement my leadership ability, and find great honor and pride in putting my life on the line to serve my country.

 

Multi-tasking under high stress and making impactful decisions with limited information energizes me. While earning my degree in Information Technology with a 3.98 GPA, I focused on a career to develop my technical skill and ability to multitask in high stress environments. As a technical analyst, I became an expert in my field and learned how to effectively communicate in various formats with emergency services as I regularly spearheaded prioritized efforts to restore infrastructure in response to emergency situations. I strive to become an expert in any field in which I am involved. As an Army Aviator I will apply my drive to succeed, passion for education, effective communication skills and technical aptitude to master my aircraft.

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I think you're on the right track mentioning your civilian education, leadership, black belt, starting a program, etc. I do think it needs to be reorganized. You should hint at that stuff in the opening paragraph, and then perhaps emphasize it later on. Also, you don't necessarily need to stick to 3 paragraphs if it's better organized into more paragraphs (while still keeping it short and to the point). It's ok to have a 3 sentence paragraph if it works.

As I'm sure you've seen one of the posters on here sits on these boards, and his insight is that they give 2-3 minutes per packet including glancing over your essay. I'd start out "introducing" some of your accomplishments so they get noticed. I don't know what their criteria is, but if I were reading your essay and knew you were a civilian applicant, I think your High GPA and black belt demonstrate your drive and those are perhaps the most stand-out things.

 

Mike

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Mike,

 

Thank you very much for the helpful critique. I really cut this essay down to the basics after reading some of the other posts in an effort to keep it as concise as possible and I really like your idea of getting some of those qualifications/achievements into the first paragraph. That will leave some of the rest of the essay open to adding more without increasing the length too much. There are some other qualifications I felt would be helpful to include and that will help open it up a bit I think. I also feel like I need to add a better closing paragraph to sum up again why I think I would make a good Warrant Officer/Army Aviator.

 

Thank you for the response! I am going to continue to revise later this afternoon.

 

Steve

San Diego

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I would agree with Mike, I feel that you are definitely on the right track with keeping your essay short and sweet but needs some more organization to it. In doing so you also need to be able to drive your point home efficiently. From what I read you are trying to tell the board you have always wanted to be an Army pilots, you have leadership and mentor-ship experience, you will be loyal, you were a technical expert before, and will bring all this to being a pilot. Not saying these are bad but I just wanted you to know my takeaways since I have no clue who you are before reading this.

 

Personally for organization I divided my essay into 4 paragraphs. The first being a quick intro to why I want to join the Army. Second, why I believe I will be a good Army Aviator, third why I specifically believe I want to be a Warrant, and lastly a conclusion to tie it all together. If you would like I can PM you a link to my essay for you to look over.

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Likewise I can PM you my essay

 

Mike

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I have taken a month or so on and off to fix my essay and was hoping someone could give it another look for me if possible.. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

Why I Want to be an Army Aviator

 

Some of the greatest achievements in my life and career have come from pushing myself beyond my perceived mental and physical limits. Whether it was achieving my black belt in Taekwondo as a teenager, losing fifty pounds in my early twenties by drastically changing my diet and lifestyle, or earning my Associate’s degree with a 3.9 GPA, I take pride in excelling in uncomfortable situations. I hold deep respect for those that strive to constantly better themselves, and putting my life on the line while serving alongside the brave soldiers of the United States Army would be the greatest honor and challenge of my life. I want to be an Army Aviator to rise up to that challenge.

 

I’ll never forget the discovery flight that I took seven years ago. The freedom of being one of the few people navigating the clouds at high altitude had a notable impact on me. I made a commitment that day to become an aviator, and when I set a goal I follow through until I have achieved success. For example, receiving five promotions during my eight year career at Comcast and fulfilling my goal of becoming a network analyst. I firmly believe I have the qualities of an excellent Army Aviator. As a leader I am driven to help others, including when I developed the first Junior Instructor program in my hometown’s American Taekwondo Association, creating diet plans and workout routines for my friends and family, or helping my peers develop career goals in my current leadership role as Team Trainer. I continuously fulfill my goal of giving back by volunteering at Habitat for Humanity as well as past volunteer positions at the local animal shelter and with United Way sending care packages to our troops on deployment. As an Army Aviator I will continue my passion to serve by directly supporting fellow soldiers on the ground.

 

I believe my technical mindset, management experience, ability to perform in stressful situations, and my drive to succeed will allow me to flourish as a pilot and as a leader. I have spent the past ten years building my career in various technical roles, all while continuing my education part-time and earning my degree in Information Technology. My management skills as Team Trainer will give me a valuable foundation to build from in my role as a Warrant Officer. It is my duty to educate my team on various new technologies and manage them as they are integrated with existing systems in the field. As a Warrant Officer I will be given the invaluable opportunity to continue my growth as a leader and a technical expert.

 

I have always believed in leading by example. As a Warrant Officer I will push myself daily, always set new goals, and strive to support and motivate my crew. I will continuously set high standards for myself and my men physically and mentally. I will not hesitate to make tough decisions when the stakes are high and lead by example. Through dedication, respect, commitment, and loyalty, I will accomplish the mission at all costs and fulfill my duties as a member of the Warrant Officer Corps and the United States Army. As an Army Aviator I will be realizing my dream of building a career as a military leader and a pilot, and I am humbled to be considered for the role.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Respectfully,

Steven Duarte

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I feel that this edit may have lost its conciseness and in doing so some of its clarity. I see you are trying to provide more examples for the points you want to make. But I'm not 100% certain what those points are. From what I read its you are goal driven, loved flying, goal driven, leader, volunteer, technical, manager, trainer, leader, then kinda feel good Army slang stuff at the end. It's honestly just a lot and for someone who is time crunched they may just start reading, glance at it, then skim through. I've had to read it a couple times to dig into what you want to show from it. But, the board may not have that kind of time. Gotta treat it like the door-to-door salesman who only has 30 seconds for his pitch.

 

Edit:

Found some advice from Mike in another thread that I feel like may help you as well if you do want to focus your essay a little more.

 

"I'm looking for your desire to fulfill a career as an Army officer, demonstrated leadership, potential, and proof you're aeronautically adaptable. (able to handle complex machinery).

 

 

Flowery, unsubstantiated words, and passive sentences get you an straight line to FQ-NS pile."

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I feel that this edit may have lost its conciseness and in doing so some of its clarity. I see you are trying to provide more examples for the points you want to make. But I'm not 100% certain what those points are. From what I read its you are goal driven, loved flying, goal driven, leader, volunteer, technical, manager, trainer, leader, then kinda feel good Army slang stuff at the end. It's honestly just a lot and for someone who is time crunched they may just start reading, glance at it, then skim through. I've had to read it a couple times to dig into what you want to show from it. But, the board may not have that kind of time. Gotta treat it like the door-to-door salesman who only has 30 seconds for his pitch.

 

Edit:

Found some advice from Mike in another thread that I feel like may help you as well if you do want to focus your essay a little more.

 

"I'm looking for your desire to fulfill a career as an Army officer, demonstrated leadership, potential, and proof you're aeronautically adaptable. (able to handle complex machinery).

 

 

Flowery, unsubstantiated words, and passive sentences get you an straight line to FQ-NS pile."

Thanks again Gideon! I appreciate the valuable feedback and Im going back to the drawing board to whittle this down and get my points together.

 

Im trying to say: I want a career as an Aviator because it will fulfill my desire to fly, to serve and help others, to be in a fast-paced technical position where I can always learn, and to grow as a leader.

 

Then I want to provide examples and substantiate my leadership experience in my career and personal life, then talk about my career history in various technical fields as an example of my ability to understand and troubleshoot technical components.

 

The extra stuff in there was my attempt to display what I think makes a good leader and why I check those boxes but I think it might convolute the essay a bit. Also seems like I could ditch most of the last paragraph.

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